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Boundaries – Handling Demanding Parents

What do you do when your parents are abusive to you? Katie’s elderly parents are no longer able to live alone and have moved in with her and her husband. All through her life this daughter has been verbally abused by her mother. It has been said that whatever disposition we have in our middle years will be magnified tenfold in our old age. It is proving to be true in this case.

Katie’s mother is more abusive in the way she speaks to her daughter now than she has ever been. Katie is trying to honor her parents by caring for them as a dutiful daughter "should". She says, "And it’s killing me."

Her mother continually says, "You’re terrible and I wish I didn’t have to live with you. I hate it here." Katie said, "I try to convince her that I want her here and it’s the best place for her and Dad to live right now." Unfortunately, her mother just gets more aggressive in her abuse, often even screaming at Katie.

I suggested Katie stop trying to make her mother all better by changing her mother’s feelings. Let her hate being there if she wants to. Validate her by saying, "It must be hard to leave your own home and live here." If her mother persists in her abuse, it might be well to say "Maybe you’re right, Mother. This may not be the best place for you. Where would you like to live?"

She tried this approach the next day and her mother said, "We need a place of our own again and we’re going to find one." Katie wisely said, "I understand, I have to run some errands this afternoon and while I’m out I’ll look for a place for you." Her mother hasn’t mentioned it since.

However, she kept abusing and insulting her daughter but never in front of her son-in-law. She knows he won’t allow it, either. I suggested to Kate that her mother needs to know SHE won’t allow it either. A boundary needed to be set.

Now, when her mother starts her abusive attacks, the daughter says, "You may not sHigh to me that way, Mother. When you’re ready to be civil, then I’ll talk with you." Then she walks away. Her mother is starting to treat her with more respect. She knows her daughter will not be abused anymore.

Katie said, "I was about to lose my mind but I think I’m going to be okay now. I realize that my life would have been much better if I had set boundaries a long time ago. I just didn’t know I could nor did I know how."

Kindly setting your boundaries can dramatically improve any relationship though in some cases it may take some time until the parent understands that the boundary is real, as is your love for them. Changing habits is a matter of "building muscle" around the new way of being. Some cases may need the help of a counsellor. In severe cases some parents may need medication to calm them. If you think this is needed, talk it over with your parent’s doctor.

In some cases setting the right boundary may have to mean moving the parent to a nursing home. When a parent deteriorates to the stage when it finally becomes necessary. A loved one may not be willing to make the move into a care centre, however, When this happens and a parent says, "I don’t want to go there. I want to stay here," the best thing you can do is validate your loved one’s feelings with a comment like, "This must be very difficult for you, Mother."

Then let her talk and freely express her feelings. Keep validating WITHOUT SAYING "….but you must go." I urge people to avoid the word "but" because it discounts the validating phrases. Use "and" instead when you set the boundary, such as, "I’m sad with you, Mother. I love you and want the best for you AND this is the right move for you." Reassure her that you will visit her often and that she will always be included in important family events. Be kind, gentle, respectful and firm regarding the decision once it must be made. In most cases parents make the adjustment just find. It is only when loved ones fail to visit and stop giving loving attention that they feel abandoned.

Frank reported her need to set a boundary with her aging mother. Here’s her report:

My mother was living alone in her apartment and was able to take care of most of her personal needs. However, I became increasingly concerned about her meals. She had always enjoyed cooking and wanted to continue. I discovered that some food items were being burned while others were scarcely being warmed through. Her food preparation was unsanitary in some cases. It worried me.

Sometimes she would forget even to eat. I was travelling a lot with my job and was unable to help with her meals on a regular basis. That’s when I decided it was time for Meals on Wheels (a state-run program that provides meals at low cost delivered to the elderly and homebound).

When I told mother about it she was not happy. In fact, she said, "Nobody else is going to cook my meals." I told her I understood that she had enjoyed cooking; however, now it was her time to enjoy someone else’s cooking. She still resisted. I ordered the meals anyway and was with her the first day they were delivered. She looked right at the girl delivering the meal and said, "You can’t make me eat that." The girl replied, "You’re right , but you might like it." And she left.

The meal looked quite tasty and mother sad down and ate it while we visited. Then she said, "Tell them not to bring any more meals." I said, "Mother, the girl is going to bring you a meal every day at this same time, so I hope you will enjoy it. You’ve pampered everyone all your life and now it’s your time to be pampered." She still was not happy about it but the decision has been made and she went with it. Before long she became accustomed to the meals and even looked forward to them.

We never need to be swept away by someone else’s needs or desires, including those of our parents. Validation means we walk beside them as they express their emotions but we are not manipulated by them. We can validate a parent’s feelings and still maintain our boundaries. For example, let’s say your mother has become a vegetarian and enjoys this new lifestyle. In her enthusiasm she wants to convert everyone to her way of thinking – especially you. As a result she is continually criticizing your eating habits and trying to convince you that eating meat is tantamount to walking through a minefield.

Since you enjoy and occasional steak and see nothing wrong with it, you’re more than a little annoyed by her continual preaching. To put an end to it, at least in your presence, you might try validating her feelings with a comment like, "I’m glad you enjoy the new lifestyle you’ve chosen, Mom, and I think it’s great for you. I want you to know that I love you and appreciate your concern for me."

Then follow up with your boundary, "However, I choose to eat differently. Please do not criticize my eating habits again. This is what I have decided….and thank you for your concern." Then change the subject and treat her normally after that. You may need to repeat this process a few times until she understands you really mean it. You may even need to drop the "please", but always speak calmly and respectfully.

Another example might be the following situation that adult children face. Your father is critical of the way you spend your money. He thinks you need to be more frugal and tells you how important it is to save your money. Every time you buy new furniture, a new car, or some other expensive item he tells you how foolish it is. He then gives a magnificent discourse on the wisdom of being more frugal and launches into stories of how he has so carefully watched his money through the years. You’ve heard the stories before and you don’t want to hear them again. In fact, you don’t want your father involved in your financial business at all. If you ask him for money, that’s another matter but we are assuming here that you didn’t. What can you do?

Try validating him by saying, "Dad, I understand your concern for me. Thanks for your suggestions." You have the choice now to weight what he has said, choose to use his ideas or not, and then leave it alone. Or you may not want any more interference. If you don’t, you can set your boundary by saying kindly, "Dad, please do not tell me how to use my money anymore. I may make some mistakes and I may not; however, I will take care of my money myself. Do not criticize my spending habits anymore." Then treat him normally after that.

It is important to remember that boundaries are set by being kind, gentle, respectful and firm. You can set any boundary and still keep a good relationship with your parents if you stay in control of yourself and use these guidelines. It’s when we lose control and forget to be kind, gentle and respectful that the relationship becomes strained or broken. On the other hand, when we are only kind, gentle and respectful without being firm, then the problem can go on endlessly, which also leads to strained and broken relationships between parents and grown children.

Some parents live their lives through their children by controlling them even after they are grown and married by controlling them even after they are grown and married. The control will last only as long as you allow it. The key to maintaining a good relationship after you have drawn your boundaries is to treat your parents normally. Don’t withdraw by not calling or writing or by stopping your visits with them. That behaviour is not kind, gentle and respectful. Treat them normally. It works in perfect harmony with setting boundaries.

Listen to your parents – give them your full attention. Listen to the feelings being expressed. Listen to the needs and try to UNDERSTAND. Use validating phrases such as, "I think that would be difficult. I’m sorry you’re hurting," or some other appropriate phrases, and don’t give any advice. Use validating phrases such as, "I think that would be difficult. I’m sorry you’re hurting," or some other appropriate phrase, and don’t give advice.

If they start telling you what to do about your life just listen, validate and then them for caring. You don’t need to defend anything. Take what works for you and ignore the rest. If you need to restate or set a boundary, do it kindly, gentle, respectfully and firmly; then treat them normally and express your love. By practicing validation every time you visit with them it will become a natural part of your conversation. The rewards will be well worth the effort.

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With thanks to "I don’t have to make everything all better" by Gary & Joy Lundberg

 For the Top Ten Ways to Maintain Your Boundaries When They Are Challenged,
   send an email to bs@futurevisions.org  with "MWS Boundaries Top Ten" in the
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