Life is immensely complicated. We are beseiged
with details and responsibilities, with things we must do and things
we ought to do. In our age of technology, there are new challenges as
we work to gain some kind of mastery over the latest electronic
helpers: computers, faxes, electronic mail, software programs and ever
more complex telecommunications equipment.
We have our jobs, our autos, our cell/mobile
phones, our friends, our family, our physical condition, our education,
our written diary/calender and our electronic ones. Now we have added
to all this the need for personal growth. The list is endless and so
far we have only been talking about a single individual. The
complexity increases as we enter into partnership and this may include
a larger family system.
The quality of a marriage (or marriage-type
relationship) often plummets once the children are born. Relationships
need time for nurturing and if all that energy is going into the
children, what is left for each other – or oneself? Time for oneself –
and in a relationship time to be together without interruption is
essential if the relationship is to be recharged.. Protect this time.
Teach your children that there are times you need to be alone. You do
not have to be cruel or dismissive about this, just let your children
know when you need some "time alone." They can learn to respect this
and then, in turn, when they are parents they will know how to take
this kind of time with their own partners.
But how can I tell this to my children?
You may be thinking to yourself, "These are
pretty good ideas, but what in the world am I to tell my children?"
It’s amazing how terrifying this prospect can be! Whatever will you
tell them? How do you let your children know that you need time alone?
How do you get them to understand why this is necessary for us as
adults and how, in turn, it will benefit them?
What exactly do you tell them you will be
doing when you’re away overnight? How do you explain the need for
romance to a six-year-old? Worse yet, to your thirteen-year-old who is
struggling with a case of galloping puberty? How do you get your
three-year-old to understand that you need time to reconnect with
somebody other than her?
If these questions make your blood run cold, then
you are like most parents. You do not feel entitled to have a life of
your own, one that is independent of your children. Their needs come
first and yours lag behind. Before you think about communicating these
ideas to your children, you realize how much feeling all this stirs up
in you. Yet, if you think about it, it’s obvious that a good
relationship with each other (and within yourself) has to be as good
for your children as it is for you.
So relax and take a deep breath. Think things
through. As with any setting of boundaries, weigh the consequences of
your own actions. Pay attention to both sides of yourselves — the
sides of you that are totally involved with the children and want to
be sure this well, and the sides of you that are primarily interested
in relationship with each other or within yourself and which wants to
pay less attention to the children’s. Remember that this balance is
important. You are keeping needs and feelings of your children in mind
while you are claiming time and space for yourself or your adult
partnering relationship.
Why not approach this in much the same way as you
explained to your children why you go to work? That will put you in a
more objective frame of mind and many of your difficulties will
dissolve. You are dealing with something very similar, after all,
since basically you are telling your children that they are not in
charge of your life.
You are setting boundaries and, at the same time,
you letting them know that they are also very important to you. The
underlying principle is that what is good for you and your
relationship is good the family system. Think of it as you would a
good job; it contributes to everyone’s well-being.
How did you explain to your children about having
to go to work and leaving them behind? We’re willing to bet that you
didn’t suffer nearly as much guilt over this. You were probably very
matter-of-fact. You just explained that grown-ups go to work. They go
to work in morning and come back at night. Since you know that this
separation can be difficult for children, and we might add, a bit
difficult for you when they’re being particularly delicious, you might
even have already developed some rituals that help with this
transition.
Inevitably, your children will ask what you are
going to do when you are not with them. Watch out for the need to
explain your actions and to justify them. Again, let’s think about
work. When parents go to work, they do things. They often cannot tell
their children what they do or how they do it. It’s just too complex
to explain what you do as a lawyer, or a psychologist, or an
economist.
They are not going to understand. You explain
your absence in some age-appropriate fashion. You tell the
two-year-old that you are going away tonight and that Grandma or their
baby-sitter, Cathy, is going to be there with them. Explain this in
the same kind of matter-of-fact way that you would explain a business
trip.
With older children you might want to speak with
them about the need for parents to have time alone with one another.
This will help to teach them good partnering skills for their adult
relationships. Explain the idea of time alone in two ways.
First, let them know the practical nature of your
time together; it gives you time to arrange for the business details
of everyday living. For instance, you need time to talk about the new
house that all of you are going to enjoy. Second, let them know the
importance of the feeling part of your relationship, that your
relationship is the foundation of the home. You can explain that this
time alone helps you to feel good with each other or closer to each
other or even to work out disagreements in private. Let them know that
this is important because when you are happy with each other you can
build a healthy, solid home in which everything works better.
Actually, you might never even need to explain
anything. Children are pretty observant and they notice that parents
are usually more cheerful and relaxed after their time alone. But,
whenever you do it, claiming time for yourselves and your relationship
is not much different from setting any other kind of boundary. Do with
forethought and conviction, in a matter-of-fact fashion.
Your ability to honor your relationship and to
claim time for yourself gives your children a good example to follow.
You will notice that if you set boundaries in a thoughtful way they
will also learn to set their own boundaries easily and gracefully and
to take time for their own important relationships. It is so essential
to proper boundaries that separate your adult relationships from the
relationship you have with your children.
This is reassuring to everyone. Roles are clearly
defined and boundaries intact and appropriate. The home feels solid.
All this is as true for stepfamilies and adoptive families as it is
for families of origin.
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For the Top Ten Ways to Maintain
Your Boundaries When They Are Challenged,
send an email to
bs@futurevisions.org
with "MWS Boundaries Top Ten" in the
subject and nothing in the body
