compliments of
FutureVisionsSM
creating sustainable results in growth and performance
The Top 10 Keys To Understanding
Boundaries and
Standards
1. Some older technologies treat boundaries and standards as a
single thing: boundaries. That’s less effective. In coaching
technology, boundaries are what others cannot do to you/around you;
standards are what you do (and, to some extent, what you won’t do). By
drawing this distinction, we humans can more quickly learn about
ourselves and understand the role that we play and the role that
others play in our lives. If we called everything boundaries, it would
all be about being a NO! in life --
all about self-protection.
2. Boundaries are what you have determined that other people or
environments cannot do TO you. Period. So, Boundaries are basically ~. No! "No, you cannot be rude to
me. ""No, you cannot ignore me." "No, you cannot dump that task on
me."
3. Standards, however, are the behavior/excellence that you
naturally hold yourself to. So, standards are basically a Yes! "Yes, I
treat others well. ""Yes, I am honest. ""Yes, I am someone who learns
quickly "Yes, I don’t tolerate much. "However, don’t lump your should
or could in with your standards.
Shoulds and coulds are behaviors/actions
that either you aren’t ready for yet or which are not right for you.
Life’s too short for coulds and shoulds. Stick with what’s good for
you and healthful for you right now, without having to force yourself
Don’t make yourself raise your standards; just sense which standards
is ready to be naturally raised. (Willpower is a character defect,
some say.)
4. Boundaries and Standards (B&S’s) are like training wheels, often
helpful when learning to ride a bike. As one becomes aware of the
notions of boundaries and standards, which are key elements in the
Personal Foundation process, they spend a year or two strengthening
(extending their boundaries and (raising) their standards. Getting
these two areas handle d permits a person to really be themselves and
to make the most of their life Boundaries are important because we
humans are fundamentally animals with a instinctual need to survive.
Boundaries keep us safer from threats, real or imagined. Standards are
our human "being" side, where we humans have been given the
opportunity to become great, to develop into our highest selves and
thus able to more enjoy life and able to enjoy and share the gifts
that we have been given.
5. Watch out for the B & S Trap, because there is one! I actually
wrote this particular Top 10 List to make this key point. The trap is
that we humans begin to define ourselves by our boundaries and
standards, thus we use B&S’s to validate us only externally. It’s okay
to do this early on, but at some point, B&S’s become unnecessary
(well, almost), because we’ve actually grown beyond them and have
developed our reserve levels, ability to attract (irresistible
attraction) and have become completely responsible. At this point,
B&S's become a limiting factor in our lives just as training wheels
prevent the rider from leaning as far into the curves as they want or
need to.
6. What’s the way out of the B & S Trap? Once you see the limitations of boundaries and standards, you can
probably move beyond them. I think that I’ll always have my boundaries
and standards and I expect that they will continue to extend and rise
during the rest of my life. However, they’ve become less of a focus or
measure of development and life. They just are. I say that they even
extend and raise on their own, without me having to "watch out" or
"correct them.,, I’m coming to believe that the strengthening of one’s
B&S’s builds a muscle and creates a self-managing and regulating
"system" that requires little attention.
This is assuming that you’ve truly gotten the notion of B&S’s and
have completed your Personal Foundation work. This, because B&S’s will
never become automatic and self-managing if you have major in
completions in your life, have wounds that a therapist is needed to
help heal, are addicted to substances or are compulsive, or if you
have lots of energy drains. B&S’s need room to develop themselves, just
as a new bicycle rider needs room to ride and practice turning.
Energy drains, incompletions, emotional damage, etc., PREVENT the
natural development of B&S’s. Yes, you can still work on your B&S’s,
but they probably won’t last long and you’ll wonder why your
boundaries keep being invaded and your standards never become natural
or consistent. So, the solution is to work on all of the areas of the
Personal Foundation process. Don’t expect B&S’s .o develop fully
without a comprehensive approach. B&S’s, while essential are just one
part of the process and are interdependent with the other components
of your Personal Foundation.
7. Which comes first, Boundaries or Standards? The Chicken or the
Egg? Which comes first, Boundaries or Standards? Simply put,
Boundaries do. You gotta say no, before you can sustainable say yes.
Sure, you can be a very positive person, surrender to the universe,
say yes to everything and hope for the best. A tempting approach, but
one that’s fraught with pain, threat, and a huge, missed opportunity
called: YOU! Without a strong personal Foundation, there’s little
chance that you will be able to access, develop and fully enjoy the
gifts and talents that you have been given. What a waste!
8. How do Boundaries and Standards work together? What’s the dynamic between them and you? There is a strong
dynamic between Boundaries and Standards. Every time you extend a
boundary, you will naturally and almost automatically be able to raise
a standard. And, then. when you’ve raised a standard and you feel
comfortable with it, you’ll then find yourself naturally extending
another boundary, then a standard, and so forth, for about a year or
two of this back and forth. It’s that simple, albeit not necessarily
easy. That’s why it is essential to work on all elements of your
Personal Foundation concurrently with your B&S development work. The
other Personal Foundation areas give you the space and energy to
strengthen your B&S’s. Strong B&S’ give you the space to create a
reserve and become much more Irresistibly attractive. Most people have
to "go up the ladder" from Personal foundation to Reserve to then to
Attraction. I wish this wasn’t true or needed, but, right now, this is
how it works. At some point in the development of these concepts and
programs, we’ll find a better way to speed you up the food chain! That
said, however, it’s very smart to become familiar with the notions of
Reserve Levels (RL) and Irresistible attraction (IA) even before
you’ve done a lot of work on your Personal foundation, because RL and
IA are what you’re doing the PF" rk for anyway and will offer a
glimpse into what is possible for you -- a glimpse that will inspire and motivate you during your B&S
and PF work.
9. OK, I think I get it about Boundaries & Standards and
their role in my development. Now what? Good question! Let me think
Ah, the first thing is to notice is if you’re caught in the B&S
Trap. Do you find that people step on you and violate the boundaries
that you’ve set, even though you had thought you’d made them clear
to others (and to yourself)? This is completely normal, but you need
to see that you’re caught in the B&S Trap. I usually suggest that
you quickly jump to establishing a positive standard for
yourself--one that eclipses the need for that specific boundary that
you can’t seem to honour/enforce. Perhaps you don't even need that boundary, which
would explain why it isn't working.
Perhaps you just think you need or should have the boundary. For
instance, you need to rely on
your standards more than your boundaries when dealing with clients
professionally. You're not their parent; they are not the in-your-face
enemy; it’s not an adversarial relationship; they are likely not
taking anything from you that you need to protect.
Come on, they’re just being customers! Be flattered that they think
you re worth working with. Sure, if they become a pain or
disrespectful of your time, you can constructively educate them by
sharing your boundaries, but do so ONLY after you are very clear on
who you are and what your professional service standards are.
So, before you enforce a boundary, first look for what the
opportunity is for you to learn and to offer all of your clients
something extra. If one client is asking or something (by violating
boundaries), others are too, although silently. remember, if you
orient around your client’s success (hint, there’s standard worth
orienting around) instead of trying to enforce your boundaries, you’ll
become very, very successful given your best client swill stay with
you forever if you can find a way to serve them that doesn’t hurt you.
I say that there is almost always a solution here, if you’re willing
to raise your standards and offer more to your clients, especially
your best clients. Personally, I exempt my Top 5
Clients from most of my professional boundaries and I tell
them so. Are they thrilled? Are they respectful? Yes, yes and yes.
Just become an absolute YES to your Top 5
clients. Don’t be picky with them; don’t make them do it your
way; don’t constantly "measure or count" your time with them. Trust
that they have a lot to teach you and learn from the experience. If
you do, you’ll get tons of referrals from them and you’ll have these
clients for life. And, you’ll make a heck of a lot of money in the
process -- far more than if you try
to put these Top 5 clients in a
"boundary box. Instead, view them as your personal R&D department that
is paying you. These clients are your inter developmental partners;
they are more than clients and you are more than just a vendor to
them.
10. You are so much more than your Boundaries and Standards.
Boundaries and Standards are key to your development but don't let
them become all that you are about nor identify yourself via your
Boundaries and Standards. And don't use them as weapons or patronise
people with them. Please. Enjoy this stage of your personal
development. Just put up a tent until you are finished and move on to
more rewarding and fulfilling areas.
Boundaries and the Centre
The concept of focusing on centre as opposed to focusing on
boundaries.
We live in a world that demands our attention, eg: May I have your
attention please? Pay attention! Pagers, cell phones, e mail, voice
mail, television, telemarketers, kids, significant others, careers,
etc. We are constantly asked to place our attention on the outer. What
we pay attention to becomes the most important part of our lives.
Actually, where we place our attention is who we are in the simplest
sense. By placing our attention on the centre or the essence (soul?)
that is connecting with our power. Boundaries then become secondary.
Towns or villages used to be established around a centre - an
actual stone placed to mark the spot. Growth happened around that
centre. Perhaps boundaries were never considered until there was a
conflict regarding space. Towns that are designed around boundaries
rather than centres would tend to focus on the boundaries and the
defence of those boundaries.
Attraction is about focusing on centre and allowing what comes
toward you to come. The power of that is that if you do not like what
is coming toward you, you can change your focus and what you want to
pay attention to as your centre. What you pay attention to actually
becomes your centre, whether you are aware of that or not.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
with thanks to Thomas Leonard
For the Top Ten Ways to Maintain
Your Boundaries When They Are Challenged, send
an email to bs@futurevisions.org
with "MWS Boundaries Top Ten" in the subject and nothing in the body
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