Boundaries are a limit you set between yourself and people due to
thoughts, activities, and things that aren’t in your best interest.
They deliver more than I could ever describe. Through them, you will
gain a wonderful array of built-in benefits that simplify, beautify,
and clarify life and relationships.
They set the stage for love, strength, happiness, and well-being.
If this sounds like a pitch for boundaries, it is. They can very
quickly raise a life to a new level of competence and joy. Simply put,
boundaries are a life-enhancing system of ‘yeses’, and ‘nos’. They are
the stop signs and borders you install to protect yourself so that it
is clear that you own your life, make good choices, and pursue the
authentic expression of who you are in the way you live, love, give,
and relate.
Setting successful boundaries involves sorting and choosing who and
what to let into your life and who or what to keep out. Boundaries can
be relevant in many areas of life, including, beliefs, body, feelings,
future, lifestyle, love, money, possessions, relationships,
service/career, sexuality, space, spirit, time,
values. You can, for
example, set boundaries by choosing to recognize and change old false
beliefs about yourself will protect you from unnecessary internal and
external distress.
In life and the universe, boundaries are essential. In fact, an
absence of boundaries guarantees chaos. It is abnormal, unhealthy, and
dangerous to exist without them. You are surrounded by an endless
parade of boundaries. From the solar system to mathematics to your own
body’s temperature, boundaries are embedded everywhere, giving
structure, guidance, and definition.
Boundaries in nature. Boundaries are essential to a structured,
smooth-running life as well as to a structured, smooth-running
universe. They maintain order and keep things identifiable. Oceans go
so far and stop. Pigs do not mate with horses. Daisies do not become
magnolias. Planets stay in their assigned orbits.
Boundaries in geography. In your mind, fly just above the earth.
Look down and you will see boundaries. Rivers have banks, roads have
shoulders, cliffs have edges, mountains have valleys, countries have
borders, and farms have property lines. Each thing has a beginning and
an ending that is defined by its boundaries.
Boundaries in cultures. Cultural boundaries exist within nations,
companies, religions, and communities. They are formed around things
like language, behavior, customs, rituals, beliefs, attitudes,
loyalties, skills, and experiences. For example, in some cultures,
eating is only allowed with your right hand. The left hand is
considered "sinister." Similarly, some cultures value loud and open
expression of grief while others honor a more stoic approach. "When in
Rome do as the Romans do" speaks to a long-standing need to
acknowledge and adapt to a culture’s boundaries.
Boundaries in families. Families are famous for the lines they draw
around people and behaviors. They adopt spoken and unspoken rules,
limits, and ideologies not easily overturned, even in adulthood. The
boundaries a family has can be quickly identified by asking the
following questions: Can the children speak their minds respectfully?
What does the family do on Saturday mornings? When are beds changed?
How is money to be saved and spent? Can you drop in on friends or must
you always call ahead? How must you dress if you are going to the
store? If, how, and when should feelings be expressed? Your personal
boundary system not only integrates boundaries you adopted from your
family, but also has grown from other influences and experiences in
your life.
Other boundaries. Boundaries are endlessly present. Our office
overlooks a freeway full of them. Dividers separate traffic patterns,
lanes keep cars within the lines, exits and on-ramps guide traffic on
and off the freeway, signs set limits on speeding, horns and gestures
warn drivers to stay in their place, and an occasional state policeman
can be seen helping a driver rethink a boundary violation. The
following are examples of everyday boundaries that are common among
the millions of people in the world:
· Limits to what your body can
physically tolerate
· Rules regulating your behavior in
society
· Building codes
· Musical scales
· Engine requirements
· Sales territories
· Recipes and baking times
· Zip codes
· Noise levels
· Curfews
· Budgets
· Deadlines
We repeat: boundaries are essential. Most boundaries are flexible;
some are inflexible. Some people think of flexible boundaries as
fences with gates or wheels. You move them to fit the situation and
your own growth. For example, Tom, a client once blocked from
satisfying interaction by a compulsive need to talk too much,
installed a boundary that restricted him from saying more than five
sentences at a time. Once he grew as a listener, he gradually moved
the boundary aside and is now able to interact successfully. As you
create better boundaries, you will learn which ones can be more
flexible to match the circumstance.
However, you may need certain boundaries to be inflexible. You
might think of them as fences with no entrances or exits. These kinds
of boundaries don’t move easily, if at all. Inflexible boundaries are
appropriate when you need to protect yourself from something or
someone that has proven harmful to you. For example, someone who was
once easily swept into controlling relationships may choose to build
an inflexible boundary against dating people who show early signs of
attempting to dictate his or her behavior. Similarly, people who have
defined and chosen certain moral standards will build inflexible
boundaries between themselves and what they consider to be immoral
behaviors. Both flexible and inflexible boundaries give structure to
your life. Your boundaries will define who you are, whom you give time
and energy to, where you’re headed, and what you care about.
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