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EXAMPLES & ENFORCEMENT
Following is a list of 10 sample boundaries. As you read the list,
look for the 3 which most appeal to you. You probably don't need or
want all 10. The 3 you select should be the ones that really give you the
space and protection from the people who take away your power, make
you feel less than you are or dominate you.
1. No one may ever shout at me.
2. Everyone must be completely straightforward with me; no lying.
3. People cannot make subtle or obvious digs or cuts to me.
4. People cannot gossip about others in my company.
5. Others may not borrow something of mine without asking first.
6. My clients cannot take me for granted; I must be appreciated.
7. Salespeople may not pressure me.
8. I don't take calls after 10pm.
9. People may not dump their problems on me.
10. People must be in a good mood to be around me.
What is your reaction to these? Are some too much to ask for "in
today's world"? Are others unrealistic? Others not strong enough?
Everyone has his/her own degree of need for soft-to-strong
boundaries.
Pick and design the ones that
give you more than enough room
to be your best.
SOME CHARACTERISTICS OF HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Presence - to sense the usefulness or non-usefulness of a
boundary, it has to be present in my AWARENESS to some degree
Appropriateness based on my wants and needs. I set the
boundary or let it go based on what I am experiencing right now in
my inner life. My inner life includes my beliefs, thoughts,
feelings, decisions, choices, wants, needs, intuitions and more.
So knowing what is coming up for me in my life is crucial in my
setting healthy boundaries and having healthy relationships.
Protective the boundary is useful to help protect my
well-being and integrity.
Clarity I am clear about my boundaries.
Firmness To get what I want or need, how firm do I want my
boundary or limit to be? I am in charge of how firm I want them to
be.
Maintenance do I need to maintain or hold firm on a specific
boundary or limit for a period of time to get what I want or need?
Or do I need to relax the boundary or limit to get what I want or
need?
Flexibility to get what I want or need, how flexible do I
want my boundary or limit to be? To have healthy relationships I
need also to be flexible when appropriate and to be able to
LET GO of my boundaries and limits when appropriate.
Receptive would it be useful or enjoyable for me to LOOSEN
the boundary a bit and let another person, place, thing, behaviour
or experience in?
WHAT BOUNDARIES ARE NOT
Healthy boundaries and limits are NOT:
- Set by any other or others
- Primarily hurtful or harmful
- Controlling or manipulating
- A wall
- Part of a triangle (I set the boundary with a single person at
a time or with a single group at a time I do not triangle in a
third or a fourth person.
A triangle is different from a threesome. A threesome is three
people interacting vs a triangle which is intended to stabilise a
two-person system which is in danger of disintegrating. A classic
example is having a child to try to save a marriage. Ultimately a
triangle is intended to try to avoid changing myself and my part of
the problem. By contrast, two or three people sharing a common
interest or activity or relationship can nourish and enrich their
relationship.
____________________________________________________________________________________
HOW TO ENFORCE BOUNDARIES AND STILL HAVE FRIENDS
Yes. it is possible, but you'll want to be big about how you
handle this. Following are tips and phrasing examples of how to do
this.
1. Respond immediately at the first sense that the other
person is about to get near or cross your boundary. If you wait, you
are playing a hopeful or victim game. Do not be a DQ (drama queen).
Stop the disturbances before they happen - and most are predictable
if you'll make the commitment to take care of yourself this well.
2. Be constructive at first. You can protect yourself and
at the same time make this a contribution to the other person. You
needn't get on your high horse and do the "you offended me" routine.
Say things like:
You know, I am particularly sensitive about people raising
their voice to me. Would you be willing to sHigh quietly with me?
Yes, I can take the time to listen to your problems about Jon,
but I have about 15 minutes. Will that be enough time?
Yes, I will send you that article you need, but may I ask a
favour of you sometime?
I am unable to be with you when you are angry. I hope you
understand my need to leave the room when you are disturbed. I do
want to spend time with you, and I love you.
SLEDGEHAMMER APPROACH
Sometimes the other person seems unable to
hear your unconditionally constructive request to back off. Assuming
you are willing to put yourself first, here are a couple of
straight-shooting ways to protect your boundaries. And you may lose
the friendship or relationship.
Steve, that's it! You no longer get to say that to me, ever
again. Got that? (Stay with the person. Repeat it. if necessary,
until he really gets it and agrees to change.)
Mary, you are being mean. Please stop it right now.
I am no longer willing to help you, if you keep fighting me.
Karen, I cannot hear one more word about how badly Michael
treated you.
Susie, I can no longer spend any more time with you, because
you are insensitive about things that matters a great deal to me.
Bill, you may not be late any more for work. Next time, you're
fired.
If you're getting fed up with someone, first look to see where
you didn't act early enough. Then, make the biggest request you can
of that person to have them treat you exactly as you wish and need
to be treated.
Especially in personal relationships: DO NOT figure out whether they can do what you're asking. Just
ask for or demand it. If they care enough, they will accept it and
change their behaviour accordingly. If they give you a bad time about
it or can't seem to deliver, then it is time to get this need met by
someone else, or to let go of the relationship until such time as
they are able to be good to you.
TIPS
You may already set and maintain boundaries. If so,
congratulations. If you're just beginning this process, here are a
couple of tips:
You must be willing to put yourself and your needs ahead of
anyone else's. It isn't like you'll become a me-me-me person, but
you must be ready to do so at any time. If you rear back in horror
at this, spend some time wondering why you are feeling so stressed
and whether putting others first (the way you have been doing) has
really benefited them or you in the long run.
You must be willing to live with the consequences of your
stand. Often people are hesitant to enforce boundaries because they
fear losing the person, the business deal, the job, the opportunity.
The term for this is consequence avoidance. I suggest that you
are already suffering a consequence by not enforcing boundaries.
Whatever you "lose" subsequently is secondary in cost.
IMPLEMENTATION TIP
Eventually, you'll send out signals that frighten away those who
would take advantage of you or not honor what is important to you.
In the meantime, however, you'll need to listen well and respond
quickly to the subtle stuff. Most people are good about snapping
back when the intrusion is substantial. I suggest that you respond
based on the subtle sensation or inkling you feel. Don't wait for a
reoccurrence or invasion. (And if you're overreacting, you can
always apologise.) Think about these points:-
1. In the last 3 days what was one thing someone said or did
that was okay at the time, but, given this boundaries discussion,
really was not okay? Got it? Good. Now, are you willing to call the
person involved, share with them the new skill you are learning here
and be unconditionally constructive with them? Tell them you're
practicing. If youre not willing, why not? Do your reasons really
benefit
you?
2. Decide the one thing -- make it a subtle one -- that people
can no longer do or not do around you. Make it one that you think is
no big deal, but your heart tells you is emotionally important.
3. Call another friend and ask them if they have any boundaries
that you have crossed recently. Then work out a way to not have it
happen again. (They'll love it. When's the last time someone
called you up to ask you that question?)
The trick is to develop boundaries far broader than you
originally think of. If the boundary is that no one can shout at
you, expand it to have no one be able to raise their voice at you.
That way, you will respond earlier to the incursion, and feel
stronger about how well you should be treated.
When the boundary is wide enough, the other person rarely enters
the minefield.
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