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You Simply Cannot Afford to Have Any Problems.
Tripling the Width of Your Personal Boundaries is a Good First Step
HAVE YOU EVER noticed how some people simply do not have problems
and that others attract enough to continuously keep their plate full?
Why is that? When you're in the kind of state where problems just seem
to pass you by, you are considered a "Problem-Free Zone." There are a
number of ways to keep yourself a Problem-Free Zone, but one of the
most important is establishing, extending and maintaining your
personal boundaries.
Every human has a right to establish boundaries to protect
themselves from the humanity (i.e., problems, needs, concerns) of
others. We all have boundaries of some kind, but many of us have
established just enough of a protective circle around us to keep us
from getting killed or damaged by others. What we actually need are
boundaries to give us the extra margin of safety we all need to "get a
good night's sleep" and to have the space to live freely, without
having to maintain a constant watch for any intruders.
Does this sound like gunfighters and the Old West? There are
several points here that you need to understand if you hope to become
a problem-free zone. They are:
·
People are intruding on your space more than you know.
· Boundaries are limits
you set, not walls or weapons.
· You get to decide how
wide to cast your boundaries.
· You probably need to
triple the width of your boundaries.
· To grow quickly, extend
boundaries more than is needed.
· The more sensitive you
are, the more you need boundaries.
Examples? Let's take a look at anger.
1. Most of us have a boundary we've set called "no hitting."
Regardless of the provocation or the "weakness" of the other person,
hitting us is just not okay. No matter what. (And as you know, some
people have not yet established this boundary.)
2. The next "upgrade" of this boundary is "no screaming or yelling
at me, whatever may happen." Do you have this one yet? If so,
congratulations. If not, you should, for the sake of your integrity.
3. Next is the "no digs or cracks" boundary. This means that the
other person cannot belittle, criticize, make fun of or make cracks or
jokes about you or what you're doing. Period. That's period. (Cracks
and digs are not humour; they are always a form of "acceptable" anger.
Not any more!)
4. Next is the "no upset" rule. This gets a little tougher because
you're now letting the other person know that they can't be upset with
you. Wow. Isn't that controlling? you might ask. It could be, but not
in this context.
Let people know that you are not the kind of person who will
knowingly or deliberately harm another. Given this, it's simply not
okay for the other person to assume that you did something hurtful,
thus allowing them to feel justified in being upset with you. (Now, if
you did do something hurtful, and it was deliberate, this does not
apply.)
5. Finally, welcome to the "unconditionally constructive" boundary.
This means that you expect those in your life to always be honest, yet
supportive and to cast what they say in a positive light. This level
takes practice, so work with your family and friends until you are
both satisfied.
The process of your setting boundaries and working with your family
and friends to understand and respect them is an investment that heads
off many, if not most, of life's problems.
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