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Key Point A. Boundaries Help Define
Who You Are And Who You Are Not.
Healthy people have set boundaries, both to protect themselves from
and to attract certain people. Boundaries are essential to becoming a
healthy adult. Your boundaries act as a filter and permit those people
who are at your level in life to come in and be a part of your life.
And it stops others "at the door" who just are not ready yet for you.
Boundaries also protect one from certain behaviour of those who
otherwise "qualify."
Understand boundaries
Proper boundaries make the process of satisfying your basic Needs
much easier. Strong boundaries keep abusive or needy people at a
reasonable distance from you so that you are not drained and can spend
your time with more beneficial people.
Think of a boundary as a moat around your castle. The moat was
designed to keep criminals out and the people inside the walls safe to
pursue their interests. During times of conflict villagers could come
inside the castle for protection. A drawbridge spanning the moat
provided access and egress when the coast was clear.
So it is with our lives. It is important to establish a safe
distance from other people's needs (note, we say other people's needs,
NOT other people.) Some people are needy and take advantage of others,
particularly those who don't know how to raise the drawbridge (as in
saying NO or leaving a situation before it starts costing them).
Key Point B. Establish Bigger Boundaries
Than You Actually Need.
Learning how many and how big to set your boundaries is a personal
experiment. Usually people don't set big enough boundaries. I suggest
that you set much bigger ones than you need. Be greedy, be a pain in
the neck, be strong. The people who really care will understand. The
process of setting boundaries involves the following steps:
1. Decide what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in other
people.
Only YOU can say what is okay and what is not. What are the
behaviours that are unacceptable to you? Perhaps they include: No one
may hit me/ No one may raise their voice to me/ No one may take
advantage of me.
Now let’s go a little further. What behaviours are marginally
acceptable to you? Are you prepared to make them unacceptable? The
point here is to establish more - and bigger - boundaries than you
need. These might include: People MUST appreciate what I do for them
if they want me to keep doing it/ People I care about must show it
too/ My close friends must do nice things for me (or they are not true
friends).
See how this works - what you are doing is establishing boundaries
to protect you from certain people and behaviours. You are setting
standards
that people in your life must honour in order to be in your life..
Now that you have "drawn the line," you need to have a plan of
action for those that cross the line. This is Step 2 of the process.
2. Know what you will do if someone exhibits unacceptable behaviour
to you.
The castle dwellers pulled up the drawbridge when enemies could be
seen galloping along the road towards the castle. This assumes they
had a lookout who could shout a warning in time to draw the bridge.
We, too, must be able to "sense" when our boundaries are in danger of
being violated, not as they are being crossed. This sensing is a skill
that takes time to develop, but you can start now. What are three
early warnings signs or cues that someone is about to cross over one
of your boundaries?
1.
2.
3.
Now, make a list of your options. Some examples are:
Inform "Do you know that you are sighing loudly?" (shouting,
etc.)
Request "I ask that you thank me for what I've done for you."
Instruct "I need for you to not touch me when you are angry."
Warn "You may never use those words to me."
Attack "Stop, stop. I demand that you stop, right now."
Leave "What you are saying (doing) is unacceptable to me. We
can work this out when you are able to do so reasonably. I am now
leaving to protect myself. I'm sorry that it had to come to this."
3. Do it regardless of the consequence.
Only you can protect your boundaries. Usually it requires that you
say something, do something or leave. Treating yourself well by
respecting your boundaries (and making others do so also) is more
important than a temporary consequence that probably will happen when
you live this way. What are some examples of consequences that may
occur as you pull up the drawbridge?
Key Point C. Boundaries Become Automatic
At some point, your boundaries will be automatic, requiring no
attention on your part and rarely tested by others. Why? Because
you'll be exuding a temperament that most people will "get" and not
want to mess around with.
Ask Yourself...
· How do boundaries work for me?
· Can I go too far in setting boundaries?
· How would I need to act for people to get these boundaries
without my having to be nasty, hard, or defensive?
· What is the powerful, yet graceful, way to interact or
conduct myself?
Coaching Tips
- Set boundaries because you KNOW you've got better things to do
than put up with or tolerate what's coming at you from this person
or situation.
- You can be very, very graceful when setting boundaries; you
needn't wield a machete or become a wall.
- Setting boundaries is a skill that you can master. At first, you
may be clumsy or go too far, but eventually, it will be a natural
experience.
- Give the people or situations that you extend your boundaries
around a chance to grow with you and learn from you during this
process instead of just announcing your boundaries in a
"take-it-or-leave-it "announcement. Share what you are learning
about boundaries with them and get them up to speed.
- Setting boundaries is NOT a way to vent your anger. Often,
people who have "taken it" from others for a long time discover the
process of setting boundaries and use their new boundaries as a way
to get even with others. Set your boundaries as a way to love
yourself, not vent on others.
- Having weak or undefined boundaries can be a source of great
friction and energy for you. In fact, you may have learned to do
quite well with this type of energy (albeit expensive and toxic).
So, by setting or extending boundaries, you may find that the
process reduces the amount of energy you are receiving!
In other words, if you are resisting setting extensive boundaries,
you probably are thriving on NOT having boundaries although you
complain about or are hurt by people or situations invading your
space. It may take some time to get used to the quieter, subtler,
higher quality energy that is available once your boundaries are
extended. Ease into and change yourself enough to be able to live well
with this new type of energy.
Area A. Your Time.
This is a biggie. The simple solution, of course, is to say "No"
about 1000 times. Identify below where your boundaries are weak or
where you are permitting others to cross them. Then, next to each
one, write in a 2-word solution to the problem. Be specific.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Personal Foundation Idea Bank
· You are given a new, stressful project by your boss.
· You are appointed head of the committee because no one
else volunteered (or you volunteered because no one else did).
· Your children use you as a delivery service vs creating
their own solutions .
· You're the one who gets things done, so everyone gives
you their stuff to do.
· You're the one people turn to, yet you're not getting
paid for this.
· You say "Yes" when you mean to say "No".
Area B. Your Heart.
Humans are sensitive creatures, but we're also pretty hardy, too.
Fortunately, boundaries can be designed to allow us to be sensitive,
no matter what. It's this sensitivity that is the source of our
loving, caring, support, connection and magic with others. It is
worth protecting and it CAN be well protected with boundaries.
I don't think that most people intend to be hurtful in things
they say or do, but regardless of their intent, we do get hurt; that
hurt ranges from shutting us down to simply being annoying. It's all
damaging.
Here's the type of language that you can use to extend your
boundary. Feel free to adapt it to your culture and needs, but do be
direct and directive.
· "That hurts. Please stop/please apologize."
· "You're not being nice to me. I am nice to you. You need
to be nice to me or leave."
· "What you just said is inappropriate."
· "I am a very sensitive person and I ask that you respect
this About Dianna and be careful what you say. I will do the same for
you."
· "I've been doing some work on boundaries that
will affect our relationship and I want to share with you what is
alright and not alright to happen between us."
· "You know how you joke around about......? Well, I
recently realized that it hurts me and I ask you to respect this and
to stop doing it. What you CAN do is...."
Make sense? Good. Now, on the lines below, write down the three
people or situations hurting you the most, and then write in what
you're going to say to them in the next three days, NOT waiting for
a re-occurrence.
1.
2.
3.
Area C. Your Spirit (or "within").
This area is fun. You now get to decide what is said around you
and what is not. And your "source" for this is the innermost part of
you.
The types of Spirit Boundaries include:
· Not accepting gossip from others.
· Not letting unaware people take up your space.
· Not debating or trying to prove your point with others
who don't have a clue.
· Not being in environments that damage or diminish you
within.
On the lines below, identify the 5 Spirit Boundaries that you
feel good about drawing or extending:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Congratulations!
You now have room to be you and to grow
even more quickly. Big steps.
For the Top Ten Ways to
Maintain Your Boundaries When They
Are Challenged, send an email to
bs@futurevisions.org
with
"MWS Boundaries Top Ten" in the subject and nothing in the body
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