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Practical Steps away from taking on the world's problems

Taking responsibility for others’ problems: Poking your nose into other people’s business will have two destructive consequences.

Firstly. people resent our interference and get irritable and angry with you. They get angry because you are giving them clear messages that you don’t think they are capable of solving their own problems. The more you control your children’s lives physically and emotionally, the more dependent and less secure they will become. This is not to say you abandon them, but rather from a very early age you encourage them to do as much for themselves as possible —physically and emotionally. Children and adults need loving support, but they don’t generally need you to give them all the answers and to fix the problem.

For instance, if your child complains of being teased: you could march down to the school next morning, child in tow, and demand that everyone from the principal down ‘do something about it’! Or you could empathize with how hurt your child feels and help them explore what is also going on in their own head about the teasing. Help them identify their own self-talk. ‘He said I’m dumb, therefore I am dumb, so I feel stupid.’

Help them to realize that someone else’s label isn’t necessarily true and that they can change the voice in their head to ‘He said I’m dumb, but what would he know? I can find maths tricky but I can read well and tell great stories and ... so I’m definitely not dumb’. Even very young children are impressed to realize that they can control their feelings by the self-talk in their heads. Of course, if the teasing is not a minor isolated incident then you should notify the school immediately.

When someone starts to tell you their problems, just listen instead of coming up with all the answers, or if asked for advice, explore different options but insist they decide the best option for themselves. The more you either state or give the impression that you believe they have the ability to choose the best option for themselves, the more they tend to live up to that trust and faith.

The second thing that happens when you take responsibility away from others is that you end up worn out. If you go around trying not to upset anyone, you inevitably put your own needs last and nobody ever listens to your problems. They suck you dry and move on, leaving you gasping. It can be a wonderful relief to hand back the problem to the person it belongs to:

‘Where is my maths book?’
‘I don’t know, go and look for it.’

‘I haven’t got any socks.’
‘The drawer was full of socks. Look harder.’

‘He won’t turn the music down.’
‘Perhaps you had better talk to him.’

‘That daughter of yours is getting very cheeky.’ ‘Perhaps you had better talk to her.’

‘Johnny is upset about his exams; you can get through to him better than I can.’
‘In that case you had better talk to him so you can practise how to get through to him.’

‘If you hadn’t insisted I do my chores I wouldn’t have been late for football practice.
‘If you had taken responsibility for doing your chores instead of watching TV you wouldn’t have been late.’

Before you blindly step in to solve either an emotional upset or a problem, STOP and ask yourself two questions:

· ‘Whose problem is this?’

· ‘Whose responsibility is this?’

 

Personal boundaries

Many people would love to off-load all that inappropriate responsibility but they find it hard to work out how much or how little responsibility they should feel. Either they build a wall around themselves and don’t let anyone in, or they are unable to create appropriate personal space. This is particularly the case with anyone who has grown up in an abusive environment where their physical, emotional or sexual space has been violated or not allowed to develop.

One of the most insidious consequences of child abuse is that the child, then the adult they become, does not feel they have any right to a personal private space. They come to believe that anyone can intrude right to the centre of their being and, depending on the abuse, this can be the emotional, physical or sexual self. In fact there is little concept of self; they belong to others, who do with them what they wish.

This can also happen with people who have never been abused but who are particularly emotionally sensitive and have never been encouraged or allowed to develop limits to their sensitivity for their own survival. Sensitive people can be easy to manipulate for the benefit of others. The child who senses friction between his or her parents and so does everything to keep the peace between them can be unconsciously or quite deliberately used by the parents as the peacemaker, not only in the parental relationship but in the sibling relationships as well.

A young baby does not see itself as separate from its mother. The baby becomes distressed when its mother is away or out of sight because the degree of closeness is such that their personal boundaries are tightly intertwined. As the baby grows and plays with its toes to explore its own physical boundaries, it also begins to explore its world. With development comes a stronger and stronger sense of self as separate from others and the environment. If the growth of this self-concept is allowed and nurtured, the child develops independence and self-confidence. In the teenage years healthy development means that the concept of self becomes even stronger and the relative emotional position and distance of family and friends starts to change.

Only then take appropriate responsibility, if any, for fixing it. Put the responsibility back where it should be and insist that those responsible solve it. Initially people will be annoyed with you as they are used to using you and not having to learn the skills to do what’s necessary themselves. But once they get the message they will start to enjoy the responsibility because it empowers them with more personal control of their own lives.

That’s one of the secrets of being happy. In business this can mean not just happier workers but much more profitable businesses. A manager needs to learn to direct responsibility and facilitate an environment where possible solutions are offered for his or her consideration rather than allowing problems to be dumped on his or her desk. The more managers are able to put faith in those directly responsible for creating the solutions, the more personal control these workers will feel and therefore the greater the personal satisfaction they will have in what they are doing.

The energy gained from no longer carrying the world’s problems makes you feel lighter, bouncier and happier. Those of you who are very sensitive or who have been abused may need to first establish yourself as having the right to have a personal space: physically, emotionally and sexually. People in these categories often have no real personal boundaries at all and everything that happens to everyone else is felt as if it is happening to them as well.

They suffer with the people in war zones; they suffer with their neighbour’s cancer; they feel the anguish of the death of a local child whom they don’t even know; a bird killed by a car and dead on the road pains them; their children’s rejection or failure at school tortures them; their sibling’s marriage difficulty haunts them; their husband’s lack of confidence distresses them. These people have no filters. Every bit of conflict, anguish, unhappiness or pain in the world is like an arrow shooting towards them and piercing their heart. It’s very common for them to live, literally, with constant heartache and an aching jaw.

Such a lack of filters and boundaries around yourself means that you have little sense of personal control and feel a victim of an unhappy and anguished world. It is common to end up in abusive family or work situations as you continue to allow people to dump their rubbish onto you. However, once you allow yourself to claim your right to a self with personal space, and you place the people in your life within different boundaries, you suddenly take control.

The boundaries become see-thru shields like bullet proof glass allowing you to see and hear what’s going on, but controlling how far you allow things into your space, if at all. In this way you can imagine yourself observing lots of things but deliberately choosing your degree of involvement and type of response.

Developing a clear idea of your personal space and your personal boundaries allows you to recognize more clearly what is an appropriate degree of responsibility, and also what your priorities are. Priorities can be cultural dynamite, because what are accepted priorities in one culture can be totally unacceptable in another. When an Australian Prime Minister cancelled an official visit to Japan to be with his wife while she had major surgery, the Australian community was completely supportive that he put his family needs and responsibilities first. However, Japan was outraged. In Japanese society public duty comes before family and many sections of the Japanese community saw his actions as an insult to Japan.

Cultures and people who do put family needs above duty to country or employer report much higher levels of happiness than those where there is continual personal sacrifice to the needs (as stated by the government) of the country or an employer. Creating and controlling appropriate personal boundaries does not mean abdicating proper responsibility to and for others. Feeling socially and emotionally connected, committed and responsible to and for other people is vital for happiness and for physical and emotional health.

The key is balance, and the crucial word is appropriate. A healthy degree of self-centredness allows you to create appropriate boundaries so that you don’t walk around suffering everybody else’s pain and trying to solve everybody else’s problems. On the other hand, selfishness stops you from being able to empathize with other people. If you can’t empathize, it is almost impossible to form harmonious communities and long-term, healthy relationships between individuals.

The often cruel selfishness now being promoted and applauded by politicians under the euphemism of ‘individualism’ is the antithesis of what is needed to make us healthier and happier — as individuals and as communities. Policies that reduce individuals’ responsibilities to each other lead to personal and social distress and deep insecurity. Not only does the health and happiness of individuals suffer, but the fears generated can lead to divisive intolerance and violence.

If we want happy and safe communities, the message to corporations and governments is clear: to foster longer-term productive and peaceful communities, human needs — based on appropriate, shared responsibility — must take priority. Once you can recognize how much responsibility you should take about an issue it can be quite another matter to stand up for yourself.

Personal interactions tend to fall into three main styles:

· assertive

· passive

· aggressive.

From my professional experience most of us grow up in families that operate in either a passive or an aggressive manner towards each other. If your preferred style is passive, you may also be highly manipulative in order to get your own way. You don’t know how to do things directly, so you do it indirectly.

Aggressive and passive styles are closely allied to the physiological fight-or-flight responses that we experience when threatened. When angered or cornered by a threat, the tendency is to run away. If we can’t run away, we try to make ourselves invisible so that we won’t continue to be attacked. Alternatively, we may be forced to become aggressive to defend ourselves. The fight-or flight physiological response is not confined to physical threats; it is generated by emotional threats as well.

In relationships and human interactions, the start of potential problems is the start of the chain: the perceptions that each person has of a particular event or interchange. If each person or at least one person hasn’t learnt to manage and control the accuracy and appropriateness of their perceptions, beliefs, self-talk, feelings and responses in the chain reaction, then ordinary interactions can be fraught with misunderstandings and misrepresentations that are perceived as threats. Depending on the style of response (aggressive or passive) that you have seen in your own role models and your personality: you will tend to respond either passively or aggressively.

An aggressive person respects their rights and gives no rights or respect to the other person. If you are aggressive, perhaps you need to remember that you don’t have to be very clever to get your own way. To treat others with respect and to be unselfish takes integrity, honesty and an honourable personal moral code. A passive person acknowledges and respects the needs and rights of others but puts their own needs and rights last.

Standing up to an aggressive person is particularly difficult if they have or take more power - and are physically bigger than you and use their size to intimidate or bully you by invading your personal space. Although the assertive option is usually the best option to try, there are many situations where being passive is safer or where aggression is warranted for your own defence and safety.

For instance, if you are mugged by someone who is armed, definitely take the passive stance. If a policeman pulls you over on the road, be passive. If your physical safety is threatened, depending on your assessment of the relative power of each person, you may decide to be passive or aggressive, but rarely assertive. Yet there are some people who are used to using aggressive tone, body language, volume and physical presence to get their own way. Under these circumstances you may well find you simply have to raise your own voice, tone and so on simply to be heard, but you can still keep your words assertive rather than aggressive. Such people can perceive a quiet controlled voice as passive even when in fact it may be extremely assertive.

But there is another way for human beings to interact. We can use verbal problem-solving skills. Until recently few of us in Western cultures had developed the skills needed to use them. With its strong emphasis on competition, Western culture champions the strong over the weak. Aggression is encouraged in everything from school contact sports to business takeovers. The passive approach is for weak ‘wimps’. However, while this may have been wonderfully successful in the short term for business and the ‘economy’, it’s no way to behave if you want successful long-term relationships or a successful long-term economy.

Sooner or later, in order to defend themselves and their human dignity, passive people become passively aggressive. Passive aggression occurs when you say nothing openly but you just don’t co-operate fully, or you ‘throw spanners in the works’ to mess up things in such a way that it is difficult to lay blame.

For instance, a passive spouse who has an aggressive, abusive partner may give ‘the silent treatment’, sulk, refuse to do jobs around the house that are normally their responsibility, be deliberately late and keep their spouse waiting. In the workplace the passive—aggressive worker can make deliberate mistakes, go slower, be uncooperative about change, give away company secrets, petty-pilfer, or even deliberately sabotage the company.

In the long term, human beings and businesses need to develop better verbal problem-solving that respect the rights of all parties. This is called assertiveness. Before you can use the verbal problem-solving skills of assertiveness you need to adopt certain beliefs. In his book When I Say No I Feel Guilty Manuel Smith describes ten rights people need to claim as beliefs in order to effectively stand up for themselves. (This book is one of the easiest to read on the subject and goes into more detail than is possible here.)

For situations where there is relative inequality between you and somebody else, for example family, friends, other adults and colleagues~ and for those whose religious beliefs run counter to the idea of equal rights between men and women, use this information according to your own discretion.

The basic skills of standing up for yourself

The broken—record technique. The easiest way to manipulate people is to distract them from the real issue. This is usually done by making them feel they are being unreasonable, or by using red herrings or attacking the person so they feel they have to defend themselves. So to be assertive you need to be persistent and stay focused on the real issue. The broken-record technique works by forcing the other person to deal with the real issue and no other. Let us explore the example of a customer returning a clock to a store after a hand fell off while it was being used for the first time.

Customer: I bought this clock yesterday and the hand broke off the first time I wound it. I’d like my money back.

Sales assistant: That is a very good clock; the hand couldn’t just fall off. (You are lying.)

Customer: The hand did just fall off, and I want my money back. (Broken record.)

Sales assistant: We’ve never had this happen before. You must have overwound it or something. (You are lying.)

Customer: No The hand fell off. I’d like my money back. (Broken record.)

Sales assistant: You’ll have to contact the manufacturer. It’s not our fault. (Evasion of proper responsibility; you are being unreasonable expecting us to pay.)

Customer: You sold me the clock. The hand broke. I want my money back. (Broken record.)

Sales assistant: Look lady. we didn’t make the clock. We can’t do anything about it. It’s not our fault. (Shifting blame; you are unreasonable.)

Customer: You sold me the clock. The hand broke. I want my money back. (Broken record.)

Sales assistant: I’ll get the manager.

Manager: The hand wouldn’t just break. My assistant has explained our policy and you are upsetting him. (You’re a liar, a nuisance and a bully.)

Customer: The hand broke and I want my money back. (Broken record.)

Manager: Give her the money! (We’re not going to get anywhere with her.)

Because of your sticking to the issue and not allowing yourself to get drawn into side issues or to be forced to defend yourself against attack, the sales assistant and the manager have to face the issue and solve the problem — you are obviously not going to give in! Your tone of voice is very important. The same words can be assertive or extremely aggressive. Practise a tone that is respectful of the other person and is therefore assertive.

The broken-record technique is also ideal when people refuse to take no for an answer. For example, sales techniques these days are more likely to consist of subtle methods to get a conversation going so that sales staff can discover your needs, fears, and any obstacles to a sale. So no matter what they might say, stick to the issue: ‘I’m not interested’.

Saying no to friends can be more difficult as they may use emotional blackmail or issue veiled threats that your friendship will be jeopardized if you don’t comply. If they do this, perhaps you’d be better without them as friends. Real friends will respect your right to say no and have limitations. Again, make sure your tone is assertive, not aggressive.

Friend Could I borrow your car tomorrow while mine is being serviced?

You: No, I don’t lend my car to anyone.

Friend: What. not even me? (You don’t trust your friends. I’m hurt.)

You: It’s nothing personal. I don’t lend my car to anyone. (Broken record.)

Fri end: Well, after all the things I’ve done for you! (You’re ungrateful)

You: I appreciate the things you’ve done for me, but I don’t lend my car to anyone. (Broken record.)

Friend: Some friend you turned out to be! Anyway, everyone says you’re selfish! (Distraction; personal attack to induce guilt.)

You: I’m sorry you feel that way, but I don’t lend my car to anyone. (Broken record.)

(‘Friend’ leaves in a huff.)

After an exchange like this you can feel upset that your friend showed no respect for your right to say no, but you will not feel guilty: as you now believe you have a right to say no. The broken-record technique is necessary only when you feel that the other person is not respecting your needs or rights equally. It’s a way of establishing your equal rights and self-respect in the exchange so that you come away feeling good about yourself. However, if you feel there is genuine respect for your rights and needs, you can use other options.

Workable compromize. This allows you to choose to come up with a solution that will perhaps meet your needs as well as those of your friend. If your friend had to take his mother to the doctor when his car was being fixed, you might offer to give him a lift. You might even decide to lend the car for that specific period of time, feeling that since he respected your position he can be trusted.

Feedback on behaviour. Although you can’t force people to be nice to you or to treat you with respects letting them know how their behaviour affects you is an extremely effective and powerful way for you to assert your right to feel the way you do. At the same time, this ‘When you do X I feel Y’ formula gives other people feedback on the consequences of their behaviour. This can encourage abusive or difficult people to modify their behaviour. For example:

· ‘When you speak to me that way, I feel you don’t respect / love / like me.’

· ‘When you ignore my requests for help, I feel you are taking me for granted/despise me/think I am your slave.’

· ‘When you don’t do your chores, I feel unappreciated.~

· ‘When you don’t clean up the bathroom after yourself, I feel humiliated that you think it’s OK that I have to use it in your mess.

Even if your reactions are unjustified, your feedback gives the other person the opportunity either to change their behaviour or to reassure you that your interpretation is not their intention. Expressed calmly without condemnation, this is an extremely powerful way for couples, or teenagers and their parents, to develop better understanding and communication. But make sure that your tone of voice and your body language are neutral, otherwise what you say could come across as emotional blackmail.

Appropriate assertion. Unfortunately men who are aggressive, bullying or unsure of themselves can read strong assertive behaviour in men as acceptable, but in women as aggressive. If this happens to you, think long and hard about your tone of voice, your body language and your choice of words. If in your own mind your behaviour is appropriately assertive, stick to your guns and realize that such a reaction in a man is a reflection of his insecurity or in competence and not a reason for you to please him by becoming passive. Of course, sometimes the reverse can be true. Women who claim to be assertive when they are actually rather aggressive can read men and women who stand up to them assertively as aggressive!

On the rare occasions that I have been accused of being aggressive, the accuser either has been someone not doing their job properly or had something to hide. Sometimes my assertiveness has quite unwittingly threatened them with exposure and/or accountability. If you stumble across a situation like this, an aggressive reaction to your appropriately assertive behaviour can be the first clue that there is something wrong.

Time management. Having personal control of your life also means managing your time well and learning to delegate responsibility. People who are busy with activities that satisfy them, and that are stimulating and challenging (but not overwhelming), are more likely to be happy. People who do not allow themselves to become involved in jobs or situations beyond their ability or skill level, but who also seek out opportunities to extend themselves in their time, will also be happy.

Good time management does not mean cramming into a day more than anyone else in an effort to prove how important you are. The business executive who talks to a client while instructing his secretary, taking phone calls, reading faxes and drinking coffee is not impressing anyone. Rather he is displaying a disturbing tendency to let himself be controlled by outside demands.

People in power need to have the personal strength and capacity to be in control of the situation and not have the situation controlling them. Besides, sharing the load doesn’t just give you more control and make you happier; taking on more responsibility can help make other people happier too. Happiness does not come from being busy for busy’s sake; it comes from a degree of planning, which allows a sense of personal control, and which provides room for things to look forward to as well as joyful spontaneity.

 For the Top Ten Ways to Maintain Your Boundaries When They Are Challenged, send an email to bs@futurevisions.org with "MWS Boundaries Top Ten" in the subject and nothing in the body

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