Other people will always be important in your life. Operating in a vacuum
won’t get you there; understanding how relationships-fit into the puzzle
will. Relationships are a key factor in your success, not because of what
other people can do for you, but rather because of who you can become by
being in their presence. I don’t mean that people with the right amount of
power or status will help you become who you want to become (although that
can help). I am saying that relationships exist to help you get a handle on
who you are and who you want to become. You’ll want to learn how to choose
those that elevate you to the top.
Relationships are the vehicle by which your success will come to you.
They are like the cilia that move a cell along its journey, supporting it,
protecting it, and keeping it flexible while moving it along its path.
Relationships will help you be your best if you choose them well. You know
this is true. You know that no one is an island, and yet you don’t pay
enough attention to who accompanies you off that island and ultimately on
your journey to the top.
HOW TO CHOOSE
When you start becoming conscious about your human connections, both
professional and personal, when you raise your awareness about who you spend
time with and whether or not they elicit your best, you run the risk of
losing a couple of longstanding fixtures in your life. Some people have been
in your life for a very long time just because you share a history or you
feel a sense of loyalty to them, although they stopped contributing
positively to your life a while ago. You risk losing them, but I know it is
well worth it. To get to the top of your game, you will have to become very
selfish. That includes rubbing obligation out of your repertoire and only
forming and keeping relationships out of choice. Choose to have
certain people in your life; choose to let others go.
There are essentially three types of relationships: those that will sink
you, those that will float you, and those that will rocket you. What makes
them different is the amount of energy they take from or give to you. Let’s
take a look at each one so you can recognize them when you are in them and
focus your relationship-building efforts where they will count.
The energy-draining relationship—This is a lead weight dragging you down,
holding you back, or sinking you altogether. Your energy is being siphoned,
and yet you may not be aware of it. There could be signs of a co-dependency
if your well-being is wrapped up in this person’s well-being, or vice versa.
The other person has to be OK for you to be OK. In its less dramatic form,
this relationship requires a great deal of effort to work.
The energy-dependent relationship—This relationship is more like a
flotation device. It’s pleasant and it’s equal in a tit for-tat sort of way.
Each person takes turns being dependent on the other, and it all works
pretty well. The balance is not necessarily bad, but it is not
extraordinary.
The energy-exchange relationship—This relationship is the rocket, but I’m
not talking about the fireworks that are cliches for romantic relationships.
I mean a business or personal relationship in which there is such a powerful
exchange that the relationship becomes a conduit for creativity. The two
people are so equal that when they get together, neither is stealing energy
from the other, so there is enough energy to create with. These are the
people with whom you tap into your best ideas, or invent something, or feel
inspired by or get in touch with the better parts of yourself. In other
words, they bring out your best.
I am by no means suggesting that you dump people in your life because
they go through a rough time and need more support from you. Any one
relationship can go through these three levels at a given time. Just the
same, look at the relationships in your life as these three types to
determine who is great for you. Great people are not necessarily great
for you, so be careful to make that distinction in choosing who you keep
in your life.
Does that sound harsh? Well, it’s up to you. Why would you purposely keep
people in your life who hold you back? If you don’t think you have a choice,
you are mistaken; there is always a way. If you choose to keep these people
in your life, that is your prerogative; however, ask yourself why and set
boundaries to what kind of time you spend with them.
"What about family? You don’t have any choice about your family." Not
true. You can redefine those relationships although they are steeped in
tradition and, sometimes, bad habits. Ask them for what you need. Tell them
what support looks like for you. Teach them how to be with you. Does that
sound abnormal or unnatural? It’s definitely uncommon, but it is the most
natural thing in the world to right a relationship you have let be wrong for
so long. A client of mine had been putting up with his brother’s insensitive
comments for years. They had had a history of ribbing each other and being
verbally abusive as a way of showing support and affection.
The brother who was receiving the coaching had outgrown this, and he
began to avoid his brother. Once he understood that he could change the
situation, he had a whole new approach the next time he saw his brother. He
finally said, "You know, your support means a lot to me, but my definition
of support has changed. I want to hear positive statements and praise
instead of horsing around. Maybe I’ve gone serious on you, but that’s what I
need." It was hardly an issue. The direction and tone of the request changed
their relationship instantly, and they were happy to be back together.
Remember: You are not putting up with anything anymore, which means that
you’ll probably have to reeducate some people if they are going to stay
around you. Interpersonal boundaries are invisible; you have to communicate
them for them to be known. If other people can’t comply, you may have to
make an effort to avoid them altogether.
You may need to fire some people from your life. This may mean literally
firing people in a business situation, if that is appropriate and
substantiated, but, more importantly, it means firing people emotionally.
You will no longer be investing in them or in your relationship with them.
if people cannot respond to honest feedback and direct requests to change
something, then they are not willing to change and are no longer your
problem. My rule is: Three strikes and you’re out. Look; we can’t change
other people—we can only change ourselves. The only way to make progress,
once you’ve tried unsuccessfully to work things out, is to get out. If
you don’t do this, you will only have more dead weight holding you back
from what you want. It will keep you from having room in your life for the
people who do bring out your best.
Think about it: What three things get in your way most often that a
boundary could help alleviate? Put your new boundaries in place. Boundaries
won’t work if other people don’t know they are there.
In David’s case, once he had the proper boundaries in place with his
boss, getting the position that he really wanted finally came down to
getting back in touch with what he was good at. Getting stuck often has a
lot to do with forgetting why you do what you do, or what attracted you to
it in the first place. If you’re too far away from that, you will be
dissatisfied. Other times, you just may have outgrown your job altogether,
and there may be no place to use your talents. In the first situation, you
need to get back to doing what you love, and in the other, you need to find
out where your strengths have developed and find a new place to use them.
Get Unstuck and Rev Up
- Make a list of all the things you are procrastinating about or putting
up with in your personal and professional life.
- Eliminate EVERY item on that list.
- Put extensive boundaries in place to keep those things from infringing
on you again.
- Get in touch with your strengths and gifts, and make the appropriate
changes to honor them fully.
- Make a pact with yourself never to put up with anything again.
