Learn how to avoid manipulation. Here are some techniques for
overcoming avoidance.
Broken record. When you find that you are dealing with
someone who won’t take no for an answer or refuses to grant you a
reasonable request, you can carefully choose a concise sentence to use
as your broken-record statement that you’ll say over and over again.
You could say to your insistent four-year-old, "Jeff, I am not going
to give you any more candy." You might say to the aggressive used-car
salesman, "I am not going to buy a car today; I’m just looking." You
might say to the uncooperative store clerk, "I want you to give me
back my money for this defective radio." Briefly acknowledge that you
have heard the other person’s point, and then calmly repeat your
broken-record statement without getting sidetracked by irrelevant
issues. "Yes, but.... Yes, I know, and my point is ... I agree, and
... Yes, and as I was saying ... Right, but I’m still not interested."
Content-to-process shift. Shift the focus of the discussion
from the topic to an analysis of what is going on between the two of
you. "We’re getting off the point now." "We’ve been derailed into
talking about old issues. "You appear to be angry with me."
Defusing. Ignore the content of someone’s anger, and put off
further discussion until he has calmed down. "I can see that you are
very upset and angry right now. Let’s discuss it later this
afternoon."
Assertive delay. Put off a response to a challenging
statement until you are calm, have more information, or know exactly
how you want to respond. "Yes ... very interesting point ... I’ll have
to reserve judgment on that ... I don’t want to talk about it at this
time."
Assertive agreement. Acknowledge criticism you agree with.
You don’t need to give an explanation unless you wish to. "You’re
right. I did botch the Sudswell account." "Thanks for pointing out
that I was smiling when I was trying to say no to that salesman. No
wonder I couldn’t get rid of him." "You’re right, boss, I am half an
hour late ... my car broke down."
Clouding. When someone is putting you down as a person,
acknowledge something in the criticism you can agree with, and ignore
the rest. Agree in part: "You’re right. I am late with the report."
Agree in the probability: "You may be right that I am often late."
Agree in the principle (agreeing with the logic without agreeing with
the premise): "If I were late as often as you say, it certainly would
be a problem." When clouding, rephrase the critic’s words so that you
can honestly concur. By giving the appearance of agreeing without
promising to change, you soon deplete the critic of any reason to
criticize you.
Assertive inquiry. Invite criticism in order to find out
what is really bothering the other person. "I understand you don’t
like the way I chaired the meeting last night. What is it about my
behavior that bothered you? What is it About Dianna that you feel is
pushy? What is it about my speaking out that bothers you?"
Prepare yourself against a number of typical blocking
gambits that will be used to attack and derail your assertive
requests. Some of the most troublesome blocking gambits include:
Laughing it off. Your assertion is responded to with a joke.
"Only three weeks late? I’ve got to work on being less punctual!"
Use the content-to-process shift ("Humor is getting us off the
point") and the broken record ("Yes, but...
Accusing gambit. You are blamed for the problem. "You’re always
so late cooking dinner, I’m too tired to do the dishes afterward."
Use clouding ("That may be so, but you are still breaking your
commitment") or simply disagree ("Eight o’clock is not too late for
the dishes").
The beat-up. Your assertion is responded to with a personal
attack. "Who are you to worry about being interrupted, you’re the
biggest loudmouth around here." The best strategies to use are
assertive irony ("Thank you") in conjunction with the broken record
or defusing ("I can see you’re angry right now, let’s talk about it
after the meeting").
Delaying gambit. Your assertion is met with, "Not now, I’m too
tired," or "Another time, maybe." Use the broken record, or insist
on setting a specific time when the problem can be discussed.
Why gambit. Every assertive statement is blocked with a series of
"why" questions, such as, "Why do you feel that way.... I still
don’t know why you don’t want to go ... why did you change your
mind?" The best response is to use the content-to-process shift
("Why isn’t the point. The issue is that I’m not willing to go
tonight") or the broken record.
Self-pity gambit. Your assertion is met with tears and the covert
message that you are being sadistic. Try to keep going through your
script using assertive agreement ("I know this is causing you pain,
but I need to get this resolved").
Quibbling. The other person wants to debate with you about the
legitimacy of what you feel, or the magnitude of the problem, and so
on. Use the content-to-process shift ("We’re quibbling now, and have
gotten off the main concern") with the assertion of your right to
feel the way you do.
Threats. You are threatened with statements such as, "If you keep
harping at me like this, you’re going to need another boyfriend."
Use assertive inquiry ("What is it about my requests that bothers
you?") as well as content-to-process shift ("This seems to be a
threat") or defusing.
Denial. You are told, "I didn’t do that," or "You’ve really
misinterpreted me." Assert what you have observed and experienced,
and use clouding ("It may seem that way to you, but I’ve observed…"
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For the Top Ten Ways to Maintain
Your Boundaries When They Are Challenged, send an email to
bs@futurevisions.org
with "MWS Boundaries Top Ten" in the subject and nothing in the body
