The work is great, you like the organization and your team-mates, and the pay is good. If it weren't for this one person, you'd be happy. But unfortunately, you work with a jerk.

Whether jerks come into your life in the form of bosses, teammates, or clients, their very existence can cause you to want to do something drastic, like jumping ship. Don't do it—at least not yet. And don't wait for someone else to fix it. There are things you can do to improve your situation if you work with a jerk.

Jerks exhibit behaviors like these:

Intimidating                                     Acting above the rules

Slamming doors, yelling                   Humiliating or embarrassing

Withholding praise                           Blaming

Belittling                                          Betraying trust

Acting superior, smarter                   Having "sloppy" moods

Withholding information                   Motivating by fear

Acting arrogant                                Setting impossible deadlines

Stealing credit or the spotlight        Not caring

Not listening                                    Breaking promises

Demanding perfection                      Distrusting

Acting sexist/racist                          Micromanaging

Research about our "emotional wiring" supports what we already know intuitively. We are affected by others' feelings and certainly by their behaviors. That's not because we're somehow weak but because we are connected to others' emo­tions in a profound way—whether we like it or not.

(Note: We use the pronouns he, him, and his throughout this page, just to simplify the writing, not because men have the corner on jerklike behaviors. You'll be pleased (or dis­mayed) to know that jerks are found among people of all ages, cultures, professions, and, most definitely, both genders.)

He had "sloppy moods." You know, he'd have a fight with his wife, or write a big check to the IRS the night before, and then come to work in a terrible mood. The problem was, he'd slop that mood all over us. I tried to not let it get me down, but it was almost impossible.

If this were your problem, how could you deal with it—and him? You could .. .

Alter, Accept, or Avoid

Here's how each of those actions and activities could play out.

Alter:  To alter means to make different, without changing into something else. So, when you alter a negative situation with someone at work, you're not trying to change the person—just the behavior.

To alter, try this:

	Get advice from savvy people who've dealt with these kinds of situations before. Practice your conversation with them.
	Speak up! Gather your courage and talk to the person with jerklike behaviors. Ask for some specific change and be clear about why you'd like to see the change happen (to increase your effectiveness, create a better work relationship, be more productive, reduce stress). Make sure your reasons all focus on improving work.
	Alter your behavior as a way of changing his. See what happens.

	Ask if he needs something different from you and make agreements you can both modify later, if necessary.
	Instead of disengaging, try putting in 25 percent more effort on the next shared project.
	Try new approaches, give more compliments, be more supportive, and remind yourself to react differently to his actions.

Accept:  To accept means to receive willingly; to give admittance or ap­proval to; to regard as proper, normal, or inevitable.

To accept, try this:

	Make a list of everything you like about him. If it's a longer list or it has more important items than the "jerklike" behavior list, you might just decide to accept him for who he is, warts and all.
	Be exceedingly curious. Go to coffee or lunch and talk about work or life or both. Try to understand where he's coming from. Try thinking, "Isn't that interesting?" when his perspective differs from yours.
	Tell him what you appreciate about him—thank him when he does it right. You'll reinforce the behaviors you hope he'll repeat.

Avoid:  To avoid means to depart or withdraw from; to leave; to keep away from. So, one key in avoiding a jerk is to stay out of his way.

To avoid a jerk at work, creatively manage your schedule, your projects, or your social activities so that your paths seldom cross.

—And

Have hope. Jerks move on. The next colleague (or client or boss) could be a favorite!

What If the Jerk Is Your Boss?:

The same suggestions apply, even though the stakes may be higher and some of the strategies trickier. (It can be hard to AVID your boss, although we heard of a manager who mastered the technique. His boss worked in another country.)

The strategies you learn to use in trying to work with a jerklike boss will serve you well, here or in countless other work (or life) situations.

About You: Finally, take a quick look at the checklist at the top of this page and then in a mirror. Do you think YOU might actually, occasionally, exhibit and jerklike behaviors?  If you’re not sure, ask a friend, your kid, your partner or your spouse. Then work to reduce your behaviors. Your colleagues, customers/clients, boss, employees, friends and family will notice. They might even thank you.

And, by the way, in what ways are you a jerk to yourself? Do you ever catch yourself belittling YOU, withholding praise, not caring or self-blaming? Do you set impossible deadlines and then ridicule yourself when you fail to meet them? You get the idea. While you’re working on any jerklike behaviors, be sure to put a halt to those you inflict on yourself!

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