The stereotypical accusation that a woman cannot handle criticism (like a man) and tends to take it too personally has a certain amount of truth in it. This is not to say that men are better at either giving or receiving criticism but, for many women, the ability to respond to criticism without being wounded is easily undermined by our need for approval.

If you think about how much we depend on others - their thoughts, opinions, love, blessings and permission - around which we construct our sense of personal identity, it is easy to understand why the experience of criticism is so close to rejection. Most of us do anything and everything to avoid falling short, being found to be inadequate or wrong or at fault: in fact being criticized in any way at all.

Managing criticism is another aspect of establishing a personal boundary and seeing it as a two-way process, not just as an attack. Do I agree with it, if it is true? How do I contradict it, if untrue? How do I sort out a mixed criticism and agree with part of it if it is partly true while not accepting the whole comment?

The first and huge stumbling block comes from our past experience of criticism. We usually experienced criticism as unpleasant, and delivered from one in a position of power (parent, teacher or other adult). If we believed the criticism to be unfair and untrue and decided to contradict the adult in question, it was likely that we ended up with more criticism. If it was true and accompanied by punishment - disapproval, withdrawal of privileges, treats or physical punishment - we learnt that to be criticized was bad and equated it with rejection.

We carry also from the past an experience of labels. Most criticism comes in the form of a label or generalization: 'You're stupid/ incompetent/ clumsy/ disorganized.' These labels stick to you as a person, not to your behaviour. Many women remember labels from their past that still exercise a powerful effect on them. Even if no one actually uses them anymore, unconsciously we allow words or phrases like fat, unmusical, too clever, nice, clumsy, slow, 'full of yourself', brainy (not pretty like your sister), to shape our behaviour and expectations of ourselves as adults.

Three familiar and usual approaches to criticism in all kinds of relationships, including working relationships, are the following:

- Aggressive (using boxing gloves). A defensive strategy aimed at disproving the criticism and attacking the accuser in turn.

- Indirectly aggressive (putting the boot in). This response is more covert. Nothing may be said at the time but the crit­icism stings and feels like an accusation: it will never be forgotten. At some point in time - and it may be a very long time - it will be used against the accuser in order to gain some revenge.

- Passive (grovelling). This strategy is again focused on accusation and punishment but this time the target is oneself. If someone, for example, points out a small error in an otherwise excellent report, the grovelling approach would go something like this: 'I don't know why I bother to do these things. I've never been any good at spelling. I might as well redo the whole report or, better still, get someone else to do it who is competent and can spell; in fact they might as well have my job...'

You may recognize one familiar response to criticism or see yourself in all three approaches at different times with different people. None of these responses actually entails listening to what is said, so this is the first stage in managing criticism:

Listen to what the person is saying to you, or trying to say even if clumsily.

Consider then: is it true? If the answer is yes, then how do you feel about it? You might accept it as part of your char­acter or as a chronic habit. An example might be leaving things to the last minute, which works well for you even though it might be a cause for criticism in someone else's eyes. On the other hand, a tendency to be domi­neering may also be true but recognizing it may cause discomfort. It is important to notice what you feel about the criticism because self-disclosure is part of manage­ment.

If you listen to the other person and the criticism strikes you as untrue, it is important to disagree with the criticism. This takes confidence to do but it is as necessary to disagree with inappropriate criticism, as it is to acknowledge it when it is true.

Sometimes we are criticized in a way that is partly true but not entirely. Whenever the words 'always' or 'never' are used, it is hard to accept that sometimes we can be aggressive, make a mistake or behave insensitively when part of us rightly wants to reject the generalization. This category of criticism calls for learning to agree and disagree at the same time.

If your usual approach is closer to the boxing glove, it is important to learn to listen. If the criticism is true, you can acknowledge it is true and if you use self-disclosure you will be able to avoid being defensive. This is the hardest task: to avoid the knee-jerk response of aggression and its counter­part, the position of apology and self-abasement.

Self-disclosure is the key. We tend to avoid it in this kind of situation and it is helpful to practise acknowledging criticism that may have a lingering sting from past experience. Sometimes we get sick and tired of hearing the same old thing, or associate a criticism with unfairness because we felt that we could do nothing about it, or it may be really hurtful. Whatever your feelings, heed your internal response and communicate it. This will help avoid either of the two extremes of aggression or apology. 

A more surprising aspect of working on criticism is not only how we agree with true criticism, but also how difficult it is to disagree when we really believe that something is untrue or unfair. I relate this back to our inadequately estab­lished boundaries. When we depend so much on others for our self-definition, we lose sight over the years of what does and does not constitute the self that we recognize. This results in taking on board criticism that does not fit: simply because someone else has criticized us is enough to shake the fragile security of our own convictions.

Clearly, as individuals, we do not live in a vacuum, and other people's perceptions and comments, precisely because they come from outside us, can be illuminating and helpful. This, after all, is the fundamental purpose of human interac­tion, to exchange ideas and perceptions and learn from them. I know how much I value the perceptions of close friends who often challenge and surprise me and make me reassess my own assumptions.

But this depends on there being an exchange. If we simply take on board everything that everyone says to us, without consideration or contesting it, if untrue, we lose sight of who we are in the confusion. This is why it is crucial to learn the skill of disagreeing with criticism when appropriate. Disagreement does not have to be in the form of a battle. An assertive response does not mean having to win: it means very clearly stating that you disagree while at the same time leaving the door open for the other person to explain more fully what they mean. Practising an assertive response helps you to be more flexible. Does this criticism fit with your experience of yourself? Does it surprise you? Hurt you? Worry you? Consider the following examples: 

Tracy is told by her boss, in the course of her annual appraisal, that she needs to be more committed. This word strikes a note of surprise and confusion. Below are four possible ways of responding to what she considers an unfair criticism:

- Aggressive (tone of voice and body language defensive, feeling tearful and furious at the same time). 'I think that's really unfair. I'm more committed than most of the others in the team. I don't know where you get that idea from.'

- Indirectly aggressive. She keeps quiet, seething inside, holding it as a grievance. This is unlikely to be directly expressed to her boss but she won't forget the comment. It will probably be hoarded among other grievances, and is likely to undermine her real commitment in some way.

- Passive. She again keeps quiet. The word 'uncommitted' hangs over her for days and, even though it feels unjust, she allows the criticism to go round and round in her head. She argues with herself but ends up convinced that, despite her own contradictory perception, the criticism must have some truth in it.

- Assertive. Tracy is direct. 'I'm very surprised that you say that, Jim. In fact, I'm quite shocked (self-disclosure) because, to my mind, I'm extremely committed to my work and to the team (disagreement and contradiction). Can you be more specific, because I don't understand.' (Leaving the door open to the critic to be clearer.)

Now compare the four possible responses in the next dialogue.

Jenny is walking down the corridor with a colleague after a meeting in which she had voiced a request to give a certain employee, who was under review, another chance.

Bill: 'You're too soft, Jenny. This is a tough world, you know, you can't keep living in fairyland.'

Jenny feels defensive, irritated and attacked by his put-down.

She can respond in the following ways:

- Aggressive. 'I don't live in fairyland. Why do you always have to dismiss my views as naive? I suppose you think I am not tough enough to be professional. Is that it?'

- Indirectly aggressive. (She mutters quietly.) 'A little more concern about others wouldn't go amiss in this organiza­tion.'

- Passive. She responds with silence. She worries about his comment, which increases her self-doubt as to whether she really is too naive and soft. This undermines her confi­dence.

- Assertive. 'Bill, I get so frustrated (self-disclosure) when you dismiss what I say like that; I am not soft. Of course I believe in a firm structure... we just have different values, that's all. I believe in caring for an individual as a person as well as an object in the organization. What do you mean exactly when you dismiss my behaviour as too soft?' (Leaves door open for further exchange.)

Expressing what you feel and yet still making it possible for the other person to clarify or be more specific leaves you able to establish your own boundary without being defensive. Many women argue that they are able to take a criticism if it is done in a nice way, if it is given constructively. Most people, in and out of the workplace, do not give criticism constructively, so beginning to build a more secure inner base from which to handle criticism, however, whenever and from whomever it comes, is the beginning of true confidence.

Once you build more confidence, you will be able to ask for criticism instead of waiting for it. This applies to situations even where you have an annual appraisal. Instead of waiting for the year to go round, consider making an appointment with your supervisor or line manager and ask for feedback, both positive and negative, on how you are doing. This also applies to those situations where you spend an inordinate amount of time fretting, worrying, and being preoccupied by what you fear somebody is thinking about you. Is he satisfied with my performance? Do they think I am doing a good job? Was she irritated by my suggestion? Did he feel put down by my comment? Do they think I ought to be more authoritative?

These and similar questions go round and round in our heads, consuming an awful lot of time and energy. Setting the scene - making the time to ask directly the person or people concerned - encourages them in turn to feel confident about being able to be direct with you.

One of the problems with responding to criticism is that it is often implicit rather than explicit. This refers to those veiled comments, innuendoes, pauses, gestures, mannerisms, or facial expressions that communicate criticism even if you are not quite sure what it is.

Responding in these situations is different, but the starting point (self-disclosure) is the same: what do you feel in response to the comment or gesture? Voicing your feeling, without accusation, is the most effective way of holding your own ground. Never mind whether you have a sense of humour, whether or not you are imagining the criticism when there isn't one, whether you are right or wrong. Managing such experiences starts with your own response: if you keep your feet on the ground psychologically, you can ask for more clarity or for an end to the behaviour if it is offensive or unkind.

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