Fears of harsh and insensitively delivered criticism preoccupy too
many talented professionals, robbing them of the kind of work focus
necessary for success. This article suggests ways to manage harsh
criticism. If you feel empowered to respond effectively, you'll
succeed as a professional.
Sometimes we are criticized for being too 'thin-skinned.' Yet thin
skin is the only kind of skin human beings come with. Countless
professionals have described to me their ongoing concerns about being
harshly criticized by angry bosses. Some were dressed down, loudly and
harshly, in front of other professionals in the organization. When I
suggest that they respond by setting limits, they insist that any
statement of protest will be taken as confirmation that they're "not
tough enough" to be successful in that organization.
Not surprisingly, many of these professionals conclude that the
only way to protect themselves from verbal assault is to change
careers. This belief creates a lose-lose situation for any
professional who accepts it. If you tolerate verbal abuse, it will
undermine your confidence and distract you from the work to which your
gifts, passion and training have led you.
Tolerating this kind of criticism doesn't demonstrate your
toughness; rather, it signals that you are afraid of responding,
leading your critic to believe that s/he can treat you like that
again. As we all know, abusive criticism is ineffective. Management
literature abounds with evidence that recognition of success
encourages more success and that feelings of powerlessness and
humiliation interfere with productivity. The fact is, standing up for
yourself in the face of unwarranted or inappropriately harsh criticism
is a sign that you are "tough enough." My own experience and my
conversations with successful professionals suggest that a carefully
planned approach to this situation can be extremely effective.
You can learn to handle your "critics" with the same kind of skill
that makes you successful in serving your clients. "Emotionally
intelligent" responses to verbal assaults can increase the probability
of your success in your organization, and in practice in general. Here
are some suggestions about how to respond to harsh or inappropriate
criticism:
1. FEELING HURT IS NOT A SIGN OF YOUR FAILURE
Try to take criticism less personally. That does not mean it shouldn't
hurt. Everyone feels humiliated when s/he's treated disrespectfully.
But don't attribute this kind of criticism to your own failure. Even
if you made a mistake, no one deserves to be treated unjustly. Often,
the professionals who speak in a demeaning manner may not even be
aware of their style or its impact. If you hear the criticism as
malicious, you'll feel hamstrung.
Consider the possibility that what you're hearing is the
uncontrolled voice of an overworked and stressed boss who has no idea
how s/he comes across. Above all, don't buy into the idea that being
hurt means you're not "tough enough" or a good-enough professional.
All it means is that you're human.
2. WAIT FOR YOUR CRITIC TO COOL DOWN
Let the person criticizing you cool down before you respond.
Communicate your willingness to address substantive issues, but use
your "social radar" to gauge the other person's readiness to resolve
the conflict. Sometimes the best you can say is, "I can see you're
upset. Let's meet tomorrow to discuss this."
3. RESPOND TO THE COMPLAINT
Distinguish between the "what" and the "how" of the criticism. If the
complaint has merit, take appropriate responsibility. But don't be
self-denigrating. Communicate your genuine regret about any mistakes
you made -- but keep them in perspective. It's also important to
communicate your desire to learn and your need for training and
mentoring. Professionals under pressure can have very unrealistic
expectations of less experienced professionals. All you can do is your
best -- acknowledge your limitations, and seek information and
guidance from mentors. You're less likely to make egregious errors
this way.
4. RESPOND TO HOW THE COMPLAINT WAS EXPRESSED
The "how" refers to the manner in which the criticism is delivered. If
the tone or wording is inappropriate or disrespectful -- regardless of
its validity - then you need to address this. First, try to assess
your critic's mood and receptiveness. Be sure you're calm enough to
show a willingness to work things out. Plan a response that is
diplomatic and tactful.
Try to reduce defensiveness with a softened "start up" -- thank the
other person for his willingness to discuss the issue. It's important
to state your concerns in neutral language and with a non-
argumentative tone. You might say something like, "I know you were
really upset about...and I can understand that. I'm sure you didn't
intend to be hurtful, but I wonder if you realize how demoralizing it
can be to be on the receiving end of your criticism when you're that
upset. I'd really like us to maintain a good working relationship. Can
we talk about other ways we can handle problems when they come up?"
In my experience, this kind of response usually meets with some
embarrassment and regret. Move on to something else quickly enough to
allow your "critic" to save face. If you've received some kind of
apology, and most likely you will, then you've created a more
respectful and equitable relationship. If your "critic" reacts
defensively, then it's probably time to talk to people in the firm
with whom you've forged alliances. If they justify his behavior and
criticize your reaction, you may want to consider working elsewhere.
Most likely, other professionals will want to support you. But don't
expect them to be openly critical of their colleagues. They'll
probably prefer to handle things behind the scenes.
5. BE OPTIMISTIC AND CONFIDENT
It's easiest to practice self-advocacy when you're optimistic and
self-confident. By optimism, I mean that you're able to generate
possible to a problem, rather than resigning yourself to
helplessness. Colleagues and mentors can help you generate
when you're having difficulty doing so on your own.
Self-confidence comes from a clear recognition of your talents,
gifts and skills. Make a list of all the assets you bring to your firm
and your profession and update this regularly. If you're a young
associate this might be difficult but your confidence will increase each time you successfully handle
conflict. Avoidance, on the other hand, is not confidence-building.
Doing something difficult and anxiety-producing strengthens your
ability to handle tough situations -- with your cases, projects, and
assignments or with your colleagues.
