Criticism of others is an outward expression of an inner opinion we
hold of ourselves. Thus, when we see a trait we dislike in someone
else, it is our inner self drawing our attention to an opinion or
self-limiting belief we hold about ourselves which is ready to be
cleared. (We will know it’s cleared when we are no longer irritated
when noticing the trait.) This is truly a time for celebration!
Now, before you decide this idea is too self-incriminating to think
about and quickly close your mind to it, let’s explore some
wonderfully encouraging aspects of this way of looking at criticism.
First, isn’t it exciting to realize that the negative opinions we hold
of ourselves have no relation to reality? This is truly good news!
A powerful benefit can be gained from raising our awareness around
our own inclinations to find fault with others. Do I have your full
attention yet? If so, be sure to continue on with caution, for this
has proven to be a real test of people’s ability to stay in a WHAT’S
RIGHT mode.
Once exposed to the material on this page, you will never again be
able to look at criticism in the same way. And, speaking of WHAT’S
RIGHT, here is my first recommendation. From today forward, whenever
you feel tempted to find fault with someone, make a point to remember
you are being given a special opportunity for learning. By paying
close attention you can teach yourself to use each of these situations
as an opportunity to identify a hidden aspect of your own personality
that may be presently limiting your performance.
For your first step in confirming this idea, take a moment right
now to review two or three traits in your parents that tended to cause
you the greatest discomfort. If you have children, you can also think
of bothersome traits you notice in them. If neither of these
approaches produces an obvious "hit," take a moment to identify a
trait or two that can really irritate you when it shows up in someone
around you.
Pay close attention to the amount of energy you feel about each
trait you observe. If you simply notice an undesired trait, it may
have little meaning in relation to your own self-image. In contrast,
if you feel a real "charge" about a trait you are observing, it
definitely has a message for you.
I need to clarify an important point here. This is not a
find-what’s-wrong-and-fix-it exercise we are setting up. Instead, it
is an introduction to a set of techniques for allowing us to identify
negative opinions — both obvious and hidden — that we hold about
ourselves. As long as we hold these negative opinions, they will
continue to deplete our energy. Once we master the ability to identify
these areas, we can then focus on techniques needed to transform them
from energy-depleting aspects of our self-image into energy-generating
aspects.
Remember, as we seek to identify potential areas of depletion, we
are looking for opportunities rather than problems. With this in mind
it becomes extremely useful to catch ourselves in situations where we
are tempted to find fault or criticize. Each time it happens
(hopefully before we verbalize our criticisms), we must remember to
ask ourselves what inner doubts or concerns might be causing us to
find fault.
By learning to use this unique way to identify our own internal
motives, we can quickly dissolve undesired aspects of our self-image
that might otherwise keep us from reaching the state of effortless
Solutions. This point is worth repeating. Until each of the
hidden negative opinions we hold of ourselves is brought out into the
open and dealt with correctly, we will continue to deplete the
creative energy we need to put ourselves on a roll.
Let’s now look at an example and enjoy some of the insights
available when we use value-finding questions to explore our urges to
find fault. Be aware that the technique I am about to describe can be
extremely revealing of our own "stuff." As a result, I seldom agree to
demonstrate it in the presence of others. When done privately, it can
usually hit pay dirt in two or three minutes.
We now get to explore a way to use this new perspective to insulate
ourselves from the undesired effects of critical remarks other people
direct toward us. With a little practice using the techniques
described below, I believe it is quite possible to make ourselves
invulnerable to the negative effects of other people’s criticisms of
us.
To begin exploring this exciting new perspective, imagine for a
moment what would happen if we all realized the degree to which other
people reveal to us the makeup of their own negative self-image each
time they criticize us. Can you see how easy it would be to become
fascinated over what is being revealed to us about other people’s
"stuff" they think is hidden from us? It might even be possible for
our fascination with this to replace the pain normally felt from their
criticism of us. (We want to be sure we don’t let on that we’re
fascinated, as that could be dangerous!)
Are you seeing how much fun it could be to explore the way critical
people display their own hidden negative self-images? After all,
someone else’s criticism of us doesn’t define us. Rather, it defines
the critical person as someone who needs to criticize. This has lots
of potential, doesn’t it? It could become a welcome alternative to
enduring the pain and agony of our own defensiveness.
I am not proposing here that the content of criticisms directed our
way is of no value. But you have surely noticed how our own
defensiveness has a way of preventing many of us from getting any
value at all from the criticisms of others. I am simply proposing an
alternative by which we can each gain every last bit of value possible
from that criticism without the limitation of defensiveness on our
part. We simply employ a 90/10 rule to help us sort through any and
all criticisms we receive. Here is how it works.
We start by imagining that as much as 90% of a fault-finding
message being directed toward us could be a fascinating reflection of
the other person’s hidden negative self-image. Can you see how our
normal defensiveness could in this way be replaced by fascination over
what is being revealed? With our defensiveness out of the way, we
could search openly for a possible nugget of truth or value contained
in the critical message.
This technique allows us to stay in the value-finding mode so we
can begin to examine the contents of a critical message to see what
may be of true value for us. Once we identify a small nugget, we can
continue our search for additional value, In this way we could
gradually expand the portion of the critical message that is proving
to be of value to us. In the absence of this approach, I propose there
is too much risk of having our defensiveness cause us to miss most or
all of the value.
The more we practice this technique, the more we will see what a
large portion of other people’s criticism of us is indeed a negative
reflection of their own insecurities and self-doubts. Do not be
surprised to learn how little, if any, of the criticism directed
toward us by other people is valid.
It will take practice, of course, to develop the skills needed to
distinguish the difference between critical messages that contain
valid input for us and those which simply reflect the sender’s own
negative self-image. But the freedom we gain to assimilate and process
the useful contents of all communication is certainly worth the
effort.
As we become more and more perceptive in our observations, we will
sooner or later come to recognize the single most compelling role of
criticism. Whenever an insecure person senses they may -be vulnerable
to painful exposure of their deficiencies and shortcomings, they will
often rely on criticism of others to draw attention away from their
own areas of uncertainty. Did it ever occur to you what an outstanding
job our criticism of others was doing to tell the world about our own
self-doubts and insecurities? It is almost as if we are holding up a
big neon sign saying, in effect, "Here’s what’s wrong with me!"
Is it possible some of this information may inspire us to be less
critical of ourselves and others? It certainly is clear how the energy
we expend on finding, analyzing or calling attention to the
self-limiting habits of others can be limiting to our own personal
growth. This is to say nothing about the limiting effect it has on
others.
We limit ourselves through criticism in several ways. Chief among
these is how our conscious, analytical mind is kept out of contact
with our intuitive mind whenever it is focused on judging something
negatively. Second is the way in which undesired emotional pressures
are built up around behaviors and traits we have judged negatively and
wish to change. All of this causes elements of our negative self-image
to work against each other and deplete rather than replenish our
supplies of creative energy; you can well imagine what happens to all
of this when its intensity increases.
As we feel more and more emotional pressure to negate our hidden
negatives, those undesired traits become even less controllable—to the
point where they can even erupt in the form of obvious, visible,
undesired behaviors. It is another endless loop until we get ourselves
back into the value-finding mode. Conversely, as we become less
judgmental of ourselves, we will automatically find ourselves being
less judgmental toward others.
As a final point about criticism, I must tell you there is
absolutely no such thing as "constructive" criticism—whether it be of
ourselves or of others. All forms of criticism are attempts to judge
people as deficient, and are fundamentally destructive. Our efforts to
label this behavior "constructive" are but poor attempts to justify
our continued use of this destructive behavior.
Please note this does not say we cannot criticize. As you surely
know already, there are occasions when it becomes necessary to
criticize in spite of our best efforts to the contrary; In other
words, sometimes we must tear something down before we can begin the
long process of reconstructing it. When we must criticize, however,
let’s stop trying to justify it as being constructive!
Finally, I would like to ask you to think about your success at
giving directions. Do you ever give someone what you feel are
perfectly clear directions on how to get something accomplished, and
yet the project doesn’t turn out the way you want it to at all? If
there were a way to eliminate the chances for such situations to
happen in the future, would you like to know about it? The next item I
will cover is an exciting way to either correct or eliminate all kinds
of misperceptions.
It is based on the amazingly simple point that each of us sees the
world through our own set of eyes. It also recognizes that we are
prone to make the common mistake of assuming that everyone else sees
things the same way we do. Not so! The new tool we are about to
explore asks us to accept the simple premise that the only way we can
know what other people see is to ask them to describe what they see.
I call this tool "constructive direction". It succeeds by giving
people clear targets to hit instead of dismantling their guns. It
offers a way to practice a more results-oriented and supportive form
of communication in the area of giving people directions. It is a
healthy alternative to so-called "constructive criticism" – which is
seldom constructive at all. Criticism is deficiency based and
concentrates on judging past actions negatively. It is ‘tell-oriented’
and deals only with WHAT’S WRONG.
Constructive direction shares the task of creating a vision of an
ideal future both can buy into. It focuses on WHAT’S RIGHT. We begin
with a relatively clear sense of the desired end result pictured in
our own mind (this is our vision of the ideal). We then begin
exploring this vision with the other person by alternately describing
what we see and asking them to describe what they see. We’ve succeeded
when both descriptions of the desired end result come into alignment
and produce a shared commitment. We end when there is a composite
picture we both must see when constructive direction ha been
successfully completed.
The most powerful key is to simply discipline ourselves to keep the
discussion entirely focused on the present and the future. We simply
cannot criticize the future. It has not yet happened. The present is
also hard to criticize. Criticism can only really address the past.
P.S. Whenever we engage in criticism or faultfinding, we create
the undesired effect of affirming or reinforcing those same negative
elements in our own self-image. It is a good idea to keep this in
mind whenever we are tempted to find fault or criticize. I certainly
hope these new perspectives make it painfully obvious that finding
faults in others has a strongly inhibiting effect on our own personal
growth. In other words, being critical of others, even if we don’t
express it, is usually more damaging to ourselves than it could ever
be to others we might be criticizing.
with thanks to Breaking the Rules by Kurt Wright
