How do we
manage to be authoritative without being authoritarian? How can we
carry out the role and responsibilities of our legitimate power
without this degenerating into oppression?
Whilst
men don’t handle this conflict any more effectively than women, most
men feel more at home with the aggressive, competitive model because
of conditioning. I find that many women instinctively move towards a
sense of concern for the other person and try to balance this with
their authority... and then hesitate.
The
concern to avoid being oppressive is one aspect of women’s hesitation.
We do not always feel comfortable 'pulling rank' because we do not
want to threaten the other individual's sense of equal participation
and inclusion. We do not want to alienate others in this way and
jeopardize the possibility of cooperation.
Looking
more carefully at what constitutes oppression can help. In other
words, we can learn to handle authority assertively, to give others a
chance to express their feelings, to treat people with respect even if
they are below us in the hierarchy. These principles help to avoid
oppressive behaviour.
The other
aspect of hesitation is more deeply rooted in us and is harder to
address. The weakness in handling authority for most women stems from
our fear of visibility. Although our need for approval - for being
liked or loved - extends into our private lives as well, many of us
remain hostage to a fear of being seen or 'found out' at work.
This is
not rational, because fear often isn't; yet it exercises a powerful
hold on our thinking and behaviour. Thoughts run along the lines of:
'If I stand out, they might see through me; I might be wrong, then
they'll see I'm an imposter, then they'll attack me.' This is
connected to a need to feel fully confident and absolutely sure so
that we can cope with any response. We have to know we are right and
in full control.
In an
organization that allows no room for fallibility or honesty (which is
the norm), the well-known phenomenon of 'bullshitting' will
automatically appear as a response to the fear of getting it wrong.
When this is the prevailing and accepted strategy, women tend to avoid
doing the same, but instead resort to a secondary strategy of
invisibility.
Our
response to these anxieties tends to be aggressive or passive. If
we're anxious about what someone else will think, it is an easy step
to do as others do: be abrupt, arrogant, intimidating, show you mean
business, look tough and be as hard as nails. It is important never to
lose sight of the fact that this behaviour stems from anxiety, not
true confidence or a sense of personal power.
When we
don't want to behave in this aggressive manner, we tend towards a less
visible option. We speak too softly, unsteadily, lacking in firmness
and clarity. We are vague instead of specific; we fail to take
ourselves seriously and are insufficiently direct in our approach.
The
balance is in managing authority assertively. This is part of setting
limits. We have looked at the importance of personal boundaries for
ourselves. In the workplace we may need to express our own boundaries
as well as those of the organization.
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