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MIXED FEELINGS?

Subpersonalities

Mixed emotions usually indicate that different parts of us hold different views. These different parts could be called "subpersonalities".

If you listen to yourself, observe yourself in action, you will soon get to recognize your main subpersonalities. More about some of the main subpersonalities we all have:

Inner Child

The part of us that is innocent, vulnerable, trusting, fresh, capable of intimacy and warmth, spontaneity and love. It is our capacity to go on learning, to experience a sense of wonder and to be playful. It is the soft centre in each of us, our most intimate and sensitive core, the part of us that feels.

The Inner Child remains with us all our lives but it is very common for people (especially men) to hide it from the outer world precisely because it is so vulnerable and easily hurt. If ignored, it will start blaming, fearing, crying for attention, defeating us until we listen. The Child can be immensely powerful: it is possibly behind much illness, absenteeism and sabotage of our cherished projects if it is not looked after.

The Inner Child is not wise in the ways of the world. It wants, above all, to feel safe, loved, held. Otherwise it is the part of us that feels panic or loneliness, lost or confused. The Inner Child is not good at articulating its needs, just like real children who sometimes drive their parents to distraction by their constant crying and clamouring for attention. But when the child feels good again, we feel good, happy, playful, secure.

Inner Parent/Controller

Because the Inner Child is so vulnerable and not good at coping with the world, we have all developed more or less powerful Inner Parents to protect it - at any price. This is a combination of all the authority figures who have ever influenced us in the past: parents, teachers, clergy. We carry them around with us, warning, guiding, controlling in the interests of keeping us safe from harm. Our Inner Parent is the one who makes us look both ways before crossing a busy street or reminds us to dry our hair properly after we have washed it, just like a real parent.

It is also known as the Controller and we need it to survive. The problems come if our Controller is too controlling. If we have been over-protected in our childhood, brought up too strictly or punished for minor infringements, we are likely to have developed Controllers who see the world as a dangerous place and stop us from expressing ourselves freely.

We will not feel free to do what we really want. We are still trying to please the adults, even though they may no longer even be with us. We need to learn to recognize when we are controlling too much and the best way to handle our Controller is to deal with the feelings underlying our need to control. These feelings may well include fear.

Pleaser

As well as feeling we have to please our Inner Parent/ Controller in order to feel OK, we have all learned in the past to please others in order to feel loved. We bend over backwards trying to meet expectations of our community, employers, clients and partners. We don't feel we can be honest or ask for what we want. We don't say 'no' when we need to, we accept commitments we would be better off without, and are crushed by criticism. For the Pleaser being liked is the most important thing in the world.

Yet, we must learn to please ourselves before trying to please other people and in order to do this we need to trust ourselves to behave in a loving, nurturing way because we love ourselves first and then others, rather than to make others love us.

Inner Critic

This subpersonality works closely with the Inner Patriarch and the Inner Parent/Controller to keep us on the 'straight and narrow'. This one has the most power to wreck our peace of mind and make us feel bad about ourselves. It is an inner voice that can be quite sadistic and never lets up nagging us about our shortcomings. With the Critic we are always wrong. If you are unlucky enough to end up with a Perfectionist Critic, there is no way you can ever give yourself credit for anything, feel satisfied with your life or even feel OK.

This is a highly versatile voice, in that everything you do can be criticized - either too much or not enough; too sluttish or too prim; too compulsive or too lazy (or all at the same time!). Nothing you do is right, nothing is too large or too small to escape notice. It can remember every single negative detail. Yes, a top notch critic can get us from every angle!

Your Critic will always be on your back like some vicious harpy, undermining your confidence and zest for living. Of all our subpersonalities the Critic is the one to be most aware of and wary of. The truth is our Critic doesn't care about us and it hasn't got the message that we are perfect anyway - or at least perfectly imperfect.

Inner Patriarch

He hates women. The Inner Critic is concerned with daily anxieties, is very frightened of the world and wants us to do better – the basic premise is that we can do better; whereas the Inner Patriarch has many of the same criticisms, he has a world view and a set of values and expectations that are very different from the Inner Critic. The basic premises of the Inner Patriarch is that if you are a woman you will never really make it. You will always be inferior deep inside and whatever is happening on the outside is some sort of sham.

Your Patriarch believes that if you are a woman you should not even try. He is deeply fearful of women, doesn’t think they have any self control, and is terrified of what would happen if there wasn’t a man around to control the women. Your Patriarch will always be demanding that you get married and that your only role should be to make a home and bring up children.

Driver

The Driver or Pusher/Workaholic (especially in a Type A Personality) is the part of us that forces us to work even when there is no need. Unless we do, the Driver makes us feel restless, unsatisfied. How about the New Age Pusher which also delights in unfolding countless "shoulds" - meditate and do yoga daily, become a vegan, become a workshop junky and learn all about energy fields, balancing and clearing.

At the very least an overactive Driver does not let you, or the people you live with, relax. And at worst it leads to a wake-up call or burn-out - heart attack or chronic fatigue syndrome is not unusual.

Do Nothing

Do-nothing: Then there is also the pusher's nemesis - the do-nothing! This voice permits us to slow down and enjoy life. It is an important balancing energy but in some people these two, the Driver and the Do-nothing, take turns pushing and pulling.

Disowned Selves

Disowned selves: They are subpersonalities you have rejected - and what are these? Well, stop and think of someone whom you dislike intensely. What is it that you dislike so much? Be specific about the qualities that repel you. If you are glad that you are nothing like that, you have discovered your first disowned self. The traits in this person that irritate you reflect an energy pattern within you that you do not wish to integrate in your life under any circumstances.

Our disowned selves can be detected by the intense, often uncharacteristic emotional reactions we have to others. These emotions are the result of the tremendous energy in the disowned energy pattern itself, as well as the energy we spend in keeping it disowned. A disowned self is an energy pattern that has been punished every time it has emerged, often subtle like a raised eyebrow but sometimes powerful like a beating or public humiliation.

It is possible to learn to honor an energy pattern without being required to live it. One answer is to get to know the subpersonality, why it is the way it is, why it is so strident or unacceptable, and what it wants for you and from you. Try to understand why it is there and what needs in you it serves, rather than just taking what it is saying or how it is behaving at face value. And rather than just labelling it bad or wrong and trying to turn your back on it.

Honor your emotions?

Remember that fear can be a friend and anger has information for us. How would you feel if, every single time you tried to tell your best friend something, you were nastily labelled as "bad" and told to shut up and go away? You would get pretty nasty yourself (in some way, maybe underhanded) if you were stuck with that kind of relationship, with no way out. Many disowned selves don't want to be stuck with you either, not the way you've been behaving towards them!