Someone at work
wants to go out with you
''MAYBE IN ANOTHER
TIME OR ANOTHER PLACE, BUT...'
Yes, at least half
of all long-term relationships have met through work – but not that often AT the
office itself. So what do you do if a colleague or supervisor has decided you
are 'the-one-that-I-want' ooooh-oooh-ooooh’. Whether you want to or don’t want
to, it’s best to be aware of the possible problems and also of how to extricate
yourself from their unwanted attentions without losing your reputation or your
job?
Your mother or a
grandmother is likely to have said something like: 'Never go-to-the-toilet in
the same room where you eat'. Or as Joan Rivers once put it: A man can sleep
around no questions asked but if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes she's a tramp.
Two wise women saying the same thing: don't sleep around in the office; it will
usually end in tears.
Over the past few
years I have had this argument with hundreds of women (oddly, men don't seem to
want to discuss it...): 'What's the problem with it? 'It's no big deal:
'Everybody does it' I say, don't be lazy! Get out there and find someone to date
that you won’t have to keep looking at all day if/when it doesn’t work.
However this isn't
a conversation about Why Not to Date Your Co-Workers (though I'm up for that
whenever you're ready). This is a Difficult conversation about how to handle it
when someone in your office, despite your low-key refusals of a cup of coffee,
dinner or a quickie by the photocopier persists in asking you out and you just
don't like it.
You could be
displeased for a variety of reasons. You're in a relationship. You don't think
that dating in the office is a good idea. Perhaps you just think the person is
spectacularly unattractive 'and you wouldn't go there if he were the last man on
earth. Whatever the reason. You're not interested. You have said so politely,
but he just keeps on. If you feel on any level that you've been overly friendly
or flirty with this person, stop it immediately. Don't blank them, but crank it
down quickly.
You are now getting
really disturbed by the situation. You don't want to make a scene, but it has to
stop. You've considered going to Human Resources, but technically it isn't
Sexual Harassment (Sexual demands by a member of your own or the opposite sex -
Any behaviour of a sexual nature which creates an intimidating, hostile or
humiliating working environment for you - Indecent or dirty remarks - Comments
about the way you look which you' find demeaning - Questions about your sex
life).
But you are
seriously annoyed. You feel helpless. You feel as if you should be able to sort
this out on your own. You're trying to make your way upwards in your career and
someone is trying to rock the boat.
Keep in mind:
·
Going on the date if you
don't want to is not the easy way out.
·
Do not discuss the
situation with your male colleagues. Especially important if you're new to the
office. You don't want to accidentally tell his best mate that 'the dork in
accounting has been hitting on you.
·
Don't assume that getting
advice from the girls is any safer. People have asked the girl sitting next to
them how to deal with that pest in the corner office only find that he’s her
ex.
Whatever the Big
Reason you're going to use to turn this person down you will have to stick with
it. If you say 'no' because you're in a relationship - then don't mention to all
the girls that you're single and gagging for it. If it's 'no' because you don't
believe in office romances, then don't say 'yes' to someone else the following
week. As usual, you're best off telling the truth - if not then say something
that cannot easily be identified as not-the-truth.
·
The first time they ask
your response can be: 'It would be nice to get to know everyone here, so maybe
we can organize a group to go out for lunch. This keeps it friendly and leaves
room for him to step back easily.
·
The second time they will
probably be more direct - you then say: 'If you don't mind, I would prefer it if
we made it a casual thing with some of the other people here
·
If there is a third time -
you now know this person is persistent, bordering on pesky. Thank them very much
for their interest, explain that you're flattered and now present your Big
Reason: I'm seeing someone; 'I recently ended a relationship and am not dating
at the moment 'I don't believe in dating in the office. Make sure you end the
exchange with a smile.
·
If there is a fourth time,
then you must be clear and firm: 'I'm sorry I thought I was clear, you're a very
nice man, but I am not interested because (and repeat your Big Reason). Less
smiles at the end of this.
·
If it happens again, then
explain that you are going to have to get someone else involved in the
conversation if they persist. And if they persist then all bets are off.
