One
effective long-term way to create personal growth is to start living
from heuristics. Heuristics are generalizations or rules of thumb for
insight and learning. You can think of them as admonitions, mottoes for
living or, as we call them here, live-withs. They are open directions
for living that thousands of people have used along their path to
transformation.
"Go Beyond
Passion and Success, "Travel Your Own Path, "Live with Your
Top Value", See with Your Heart, or Yes or No? are all live-withs.
Click here
for a list of live-withs we and our clients have used throughout
the years for various purposes.
Live-withs
are not affirmations. They are not prescriptions that tell you exactly
what to do. Rather, they call you to new ways of behaving that bring out
your best. Most important, they urge you to draw on your inner resources
and create your path in relation to the relevant systems in your life.
In short, they lead to your living with your top values. The truth is
that the best way to achieve your top value is to start living with
it. And live-withs are the best way to do this, bit by bit.
Want to
generate more faith in your inner resources and your journey with your
top value? Try living for a week with the live-with, Have No
Expectations. Take the risk of preparing, having a clear intention and
then relying on your resources without attachment to the way things are
supposed to turn out. You'll develop an almost visceral understanding -
your own understanding - of the difference between expectations and
goals or intentions. You'll experience openness. As you consciously
observe what happens when you try the Have No Expectations live-with in
your own way, you begin to build up faith in your inner resources and
learn what works for you in your quest for your top value.
Similarly,
if you want to eliminate the weakening influence of the inner chattering
of blame and criticism, the Voice of Judgment, or VOJ, try living with
the heuristic Psych Out the VOJ. Since the VOJ consists of voices of
other people, primarily your parents, it isn't really your essential
Self. When you live with Psych Out the VOJ, you become your essential
Self and trick this dysfunctional marauder. Try the live-with for a
while, and you'll start to distance yourself from the VOJ, live more
often from your Essence and connect with your top value more
frequently.
To develop
your capacity for being conscious and present, try Pay Attention. This
live-with moves you into precise observation, where you can see with the
objectivity of a scientist and the wonder of a child. People living with
Pay Attention often observe something - like a child playing, a sunset, a
piece of music, the movement of water - that connects them to their top
value.
To move to
a new level of asking penetrating questions, live with Ask Dumb
Questions for a week or so. The word "dumb" can allow you to get beyond
the fears and nattering of the VOJ that tells you not to ask questions
when they actually should be asked. People find that when they take the
leap and ask a sincere question of clarity, others thank them for
opening things up and getting to the heart of the matter.
By bringing
live-withs into your life, especially when they are connected to
particular practices or challenges, you let the systems of your life
speak to you. When you engage life with Have No Expectations, for
instance, you begin to see all the ways your expectations affect you in
the systems of your life. You stay open without expectation and
experience your inner resources and your connection to their top value.
Notice that
live-withs often challenge misconceptions you might have. Often they
might surprise you. You might think, for instance, "Have no
expectations? If I didn't have expectations, I wouldn't have anything to
motivate me." You can argue endlessly about such issues. But when you
live with Have No Expectations, try new approaches and are conscious
about what happens, you learn for yourself the damaging effects of
specific expectations, the motivation of intention and the power of
having a positive attitude that is connected to your top values.
Your first
reaction to a live-with may be that it is impossible, absurd or stupid.
But work with it anyway, notice your reactions, reserve judgment, and
ask penetrating questions about your reactions: Why do I find this
live-with so hard? What is behind my reactions? What am I afraid to let
go? How can I overcome my blocks to this? Be open to possibilities, free
from the judgements of "wrong choices," free from fear of failure, free
to live in the present moment and act from and toward your top values.
You will
often have breakthroughs just by considering each live-with. One woman
was living with Have No Expectations when she attended a professional
conference. Realizing she often had expectations of such an industry
event, she kept reminding herself to let go of them. She developed a way
to let go of each expectation: recognizing it, feeling amused at her
overactive mind and then letting it go. "This was very freeing," she
said. "I felt more relaxed and in the flow. I was able to go with
whatever was happening and whatever I was feeling. I loved it! It is a
challenging [live-with] to maintain, and one that I want to continue."
When you
apply a live-with to your life, you have to apply it to whatever is in
front of you. You might be facing a continuing problem with meetings.
You might be worrying about making an assertion you need to make to a
boss or a loved one. You might be getting and giving less than you think
is possible in weekend times with your family. You might be stumped in
dealing with what seems like a life-or-death issue at work.
Try a
live-with in the context of these situations, and see what happens.
Sometimes there is a big shift. One director of a software company
found that when she led meetings without expectations, they opened up
and became lively and productive. People who never spoke became major
contributors.
Even minor
shifts can make meaningful changes in your life. One man was
dissatisfied with Saturdays. Everyone in his family tried to cram all
the errands that didn't get done during the week into Saturdays, and so
the day was filled with tension and distance. But when he lived with
Have No Expectations, the day opened up for the whole family. They tried
an activity they hadn't done before and got into flow with it. He saw
the value of breaking patterns in all parts of his life.
Sometimes
the shift is more subtle but profound. A woman who was living with Have
No Expectations was conflicted about whether to apply for the job of her
boss who had just left. She began to notice all the negative assertions
or expectations that were stopping her. Then she was able to watch those
and distance herself from them. She knew that she would apply for the
position, but the experience that led to this realization, which was an
experience of her top value, was more important to her. "Suddenly I
have a sense that there is a lot of space around me," she said. "Things
don't feel so tight and limited [living] with no expectations. I'm
smiling a lot now."
Getting the Most
Out of Live-Withs
For guiding principles of personal growth send an email to
bs@futurevisions.org
with
"MWS Personal Growth Principles" in the subject and nothing in the body
