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creating sustainable results in growth and performance
For many people an important goal is to make their
actual self-images closer to their ideal self-images. It is a
valuable goal because it provides motivation for self-development
activities. However, it is not helpful to overemphasize the ideal
because this leads to our underestimating the actual - especially if
we place too much weight on one characteristic that we think is
especially desirable. For instance, trying to seem like the 'nice
guy' makes it hard to use any power you may have, or to reprimand or
to give unpopular orders firmly. So your self-image should be
positive but not too rigidly defined.
In people who are comfortable with themselves, the
ideal and the actual do not diverge too far. In one sense, good self-esteem is simply accepting ourselves as we
are rather than demanding we be all we are capable of becoming.
Self-esteem is not just words, or even actions, it is an attitude;
one that says I have worth simply because I am a human being; simply
because I breathe and I am alive.
It is about learning to value our basic package of who we are simply because
we breathe. Self-esteem has nothing to do with achieving or
producing or even becoming. Rather, it is that all-encompassing
sensation of feeling acceptable, capable, and most of all lovable,
simply because we are alive. It has everything to do with accepting
ourselves and appreciating who we are. People with
self-value accept themselves. They don't expect.
Some of our self-image components will be neutral
and non-judgemental: town dweller, father of two, keen gardener.
Many more will be judgemental: evaluating abilities, attractiveness,
personality. These half-conscious self-assessments of strengths and
weaknesses will influence what you try to do, whether you hope for
success or fear failure in your dealings with others, and your
expectations about how people will or should behave toward you and
respond to you (your
standards and boundaries). They are very important influences.
Interestingly, the link between self-esteem and
well-being (or life satisfaction) is particularly strong in Western
cultures, perhaps because in many Western cultures
self-assertiveness and self-efficacy open doors to participation in
valued tasks. Western cultures tend to be individualistic:
apparently individualists must think highly of themselves before
they can be satisfied whereas in the collectivistic cultures
positive feelings about oneself do not appear to be critical to
well-being. This suggests that what causes well-being depends at
least to some degree on the individual's goals and
values.
In some families and cultures the "growing up"
process is essentially one of getting you to change, to control your
impulses, and do what you 'ought' to do, not what you want to do,
whenever the two conflict. The chosen means is usually negative
reinforcement - punishment or criticism. The consequence tends to be
low self-esteem and self-confidence. (See "I'm OK, You're OK" by Tom
Harris for a more complete account.)
On the other hand, recent research has pointed to a
different phenomenon - self-delusion. Most people believe they have
far more control and more skills than they actually do have. For
instance, the majority of drivers consider themselves more skilful
than the average driver. Over 95% of new college/university students
believed they would graduate whereas the actual failure rate is
about 25%. Most people believe they have far more control over their
lives than is actually the case.
This self-delusion has been found to be healthy,
resulting in more success, better health and longer life than those
who are actually realistic! On the other hand, it can lead to rash
experimentation.
For Quick Tips on Improving Self-Esteem send
an email
to
bs@futurevisions.org with
"MWS Self-Esteem Quick Tips"
in the subject and nothing in the body
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