If you
want to succeed at whatever goal you set yourself, be it in your career or your
relationships or personally, the major obstacles you need to remove are not
those erected by others but the impediments you have placed in your own way.
1.
Low self-esteem comes in many disguises: learn to recognize it for what it is.
The need to fit in
and be popular is really low self-esteem in disguise, because always needing
others' approval is a way of reassuring yourself when you don't have your own
vote of confidence. If popularity is the most important thing to. you, you will
never allow your individuality to surface, and that is what is, in fact, most
endearing about people. Being able to take the risk of being a bit different is
the strongest evidence of high self-esteem.
2.
Don't think praise is given so as not to hurt your feelings.
You have low self-esteem when you focus on what is wrong with you all the time;
whenever anything positive happens, like when you're praised, it is always
questioned or interpreted negatively. It is easy to obsess over criticism or
failure and forget positive experiences. Remember, behind many acts you take for
granted (like people stopping to talk to you, or enquiring how you are) is
evidence that you are pleasant to be with and valued by others.
3.
Don't let the past determine your future.
Often low self-esteem comes from childhood or teenage experiences when you were
bullied or made fun of by your peers at school, or even your parents. These very
hurtful memories can lie in your unconscious and determine how you feel about
your-self years later. It is a mistake to base your view of yourself on the
attitudes of those who were very young, immature or just plain disturbed, and
who enjoyed making fun of others as a way of dealing with their own personal
problems. Don't let your popularity or lack of it when younger be your measure
of your self-worth now. You are elevating the judgement of your contemporaries
at that young age to an importance it doesn't warrant.
4.
Don't let others' opinions matter more than your own.
There will be those who have criticized you, found fault or attempted to
obstruct your career, and it is tempting to let others' rating of you influence
the way you value yourself. But don't forget another's evaluation of you is only
useful if it is not distorted by a personal agenda, emotional difficulties or
feelings of competitiveness. Some of the greatest people in the world have had
more enemies than friends. As long as you are willing to try and improve in
response to suggestions that make sense to you, understand that often the right
path in life is not the most popular with others.
5.
Don't project your own hatred for yourself on to other people.
Low self-esteem means you think people constantly harbor terrible thoughts or
evaluations about you behind a thin veneer of politeness. The more mundane truth
is when you have low self-esteem no one can hate you as much as you do, and
actually everyone else is so obsessed about what others are thinking about them
that they simply haven't got the time or energy to invest in hating you that
much!
6.
High self-esteem means you can risk failing.
If you have low self-esteem you hate making mistakes or failing because you will
use this as yet more evidence of how inadequate you really are. High self-esteem
means you risk trying new things or learning from fresh encounters because you
will not judge your entire worth as a human being from one or two things that go
wrong. If you fear failure so much, then you will never take the risk of
exploring further horizons, as these will always expose you to an elevated risk
of new things going wrong. High self-esteem gives you the confidence to be more
adventurous, so each day try some-thing new, but forgive yourself beforehand for
having the temerity to risk making a fool of yourself.
7.
Stop comparing yourself to others as the only way of sensing your self-worth.
Competitiveness is
often another mask for low self-esteem, because the constant need to compare
yourself to others is really a discomfort over being able to be content with
yourself just as you are. If you always need someone to look down on before you
feel good about your-self, your low self-esteem is showing just a tad. Remember
that people who earn more than you, or are better looking, might have terrible
personal problems you know nothing about. In fact, how do you compare people
with each other unless you are able to reduce the whole complexity of life to
simple measurable issues, like money or good looks? That is too trivial an
approach – so do the more sensible thing and stop rating everyone and yourself
competitively. Focus on trying to improve yourself without the distracting
regard for how others are doing:
8.
Recognize your own achievements.
If you don't recognize your own achievements, it will be even more difficult for
others to see them – it's difficult peering through another's low self-esteem to
their good points. Some achievements we take for granted: for instance, if you
broke a bad habit a while ago, the fact you haven't relapsed for many months
should be a source of pride, but is easily taken for granted. You may have some
weaknesses, but what about all those foibles that are so common, but that you
aren't plagued with? Remember all the remarkable problems others have that you
have managed to avoid.
9.
Low self-esteem means you don't trust yourself.
If you keep fearing the disaster that lurks around the next corner, which your
deep inadequacy is going to land you in, then your low self-esteem definitely
needs putting back in its cage. All any-one can ever do is try to foresee future
problems, act to prevent them as best you can, and then stop worrying about the
next mess you think you will land yourself in. Remember that catastrophes have
still befallen the best pre-pared, and the future is never going to be entirely
within your control. If it was then people should be praying to you, not God.
10.
Aim to make a small improvement each day in yourself.
When you wake in the morning resolve to tackle, in a small way, some part of
your life that needs improvement. True self-confidence comes from the feeling
you can do some-thing about your problems, not that you are the best in the
world. There is no greater achievement than to endeavour to constantly improve.
If you think you are already the best, the danger is you might be lulled into
feeling there is no room for improvement.
