When you have decided that a should is undermining your self-esteem,
either as a general rule or in a particular situation, you need to cut
it out of your internal self-talk. This means aggressively fighting back
when the critic tries to hit you with your should. The best way to fight
back is to prepare a one or two sentence "mantra" that you can memorise
and use whenever you feel wrong for not living up to the should. You can
say the mantra over and over, as many times as necessary, until the
critic shuts up and leaves you alone. A mantra to combat your should
would ideally include the following elements.
- A reminder of the original need that created your should. For this
you have to determine why you acquired the should in the first place.
Was it to feel loved by your dad? To gain approval from a particular
friend? To feel closer to a lover? To feel better about yourself? Less
anxious? Safer?
- The main reason your should doesn’t fit you or the situation. You
might remind yourself, for example, how your should demands that you
be or do or feel something that is simply not you. You might also
remind yourself that the negative consequences of following your
should outweigh the positive.
Here’s how mantras sound when condensed into a few simple statements.
Should: You should go back to school and make something of your life.
Mantra: School was my father’s idea and I wanted to please him. But
that life doesn’t fit me. I’d only drop out again from the boredom and
pressure.
Should: You shouldn't make mistakes.
Mantra: Not making mistakes was important to my father. But I’m just
learning this job. I can only learn by trying. If I worry about
mistakes, I’ll freeze up and stop learning.
Should: You should be a witty, fascinating conversationalist.
Mantra: I thought that being a clever talker would help me fit in at
school. But it’s too much work and not me. I like to ask questions and
get to know the other person.
Should: You should always take care with your appearance.
Mantra: I feel i need to look good in order to please my wife. But
I’m happier in jeans and sweatshirts. That’s what fits me!
Should: You should diet and stay thin.
Mantra: Mom always told me she liked me thin. But I’d rather weigh
what I do than live with the tyranny of diets and scales.
Should: You should have a better job.
Mantra: A status job is my father’s rule. But this job is safe and
low-stress. When I want stress and uncertainty, I’ll go somewhere else.
