What follows is an inventory that will help you identify some of your
shoulds and personal rules. Each item on the inventory represents a
particular area of your life. Ask yourself the following four questions
for each of these areas:
1. Do I have feelings of guilt or self-recrimination in this area—
either past or present?
2. Do I feel conflict in this area? For example, do I feel torn
between doing something I should do versus something I want to do?
3. Do I feel a sense of obligation or owing in this area?
4. Do I avoid something I feel I ought to do in this area?
When you recognize the presence of guilt, conflict, obligation, or
avoidance in a particular area of your life, it’s usually fairly easy to
identify the underlying should, For example, for the item "activities in
the home" you might recall that you feel rather guilty about not helping
your wife enough with the dishes and the laundry. You might also notice
that you feel conflict about child care; part of you believes you should
do more child care in the evening, while another part wants to drink a
beer and read the paper. The underlying should, you realise, has to do
with the belief that you should split the work exactly fifty-fifty. As
another example, consider the item "friends." You might notice that
you’ve been feeling a strong obligation to visit a recently divorced
friend. You know that this feeling comes from a should that requires you
to take care of anyone in pain.
Sometimes, despite the clear presence of guilt or conflict, the
underlying should is hard to ferret out. Then you can use a method
called "laddering" to reach down to the basic value or rule. An example
using the item "inner experience" will show how it works. A woman
filling out the inventory noted that she felt extremely guilty regarding
feelings of anger toward her son. She was irritated by his remoteness
and emotional unavailability, but had trouble identifying the underlying
should.
She "laddered" down to her basic rule by asking this question: "What
if I am angry at my son, what does that mean to me?" Her answer was that
it meant that she was pulling back, letting go of him a little bit. She
continued laddering by asking, "What if I am pulling back, what does
that mean to me?" She was afraid it meant she didn’t love or care for
him enough. At this point she got in contact with the underlying should:
that she should always feel love for a child. Because anger and
withdrawal seemed to interrupt the feeling of love, they must be wrong.
A second example of laddering can be found in a young man’s response
to the item "church activities." He felt guilt and avoidance
about not responding to an invitation to join the lay ministry.
He asked himself, "What if I don’t join, what would that mean to me?" It
meant that he wasn’t being generous with his time and energy. Again he
asked himself, "What if I don’t choose to be generous, what would that
mean?" It meant that he would disappoint people who liked and thought
well of him. It was then that he understood the should: "never
disappoint someone who likes you.
So laddering is very simple. Whenever you notice an area of guilt,
conflict, obligation, or avoidance, but are having trouble identifying
your shoulds, ask yourself, "What if I ___________ , what does that mean
to me?" Then try to honestly decide what is implied by your behavior,
what it says about who you are. Keep asking the question until you’ve
gotten down to what feels like a core statement, something that implies
a clear value or personal rule.
Avoid these two dead ends: first, don’t answer with a simple judgment
like "I’m bad" or "I’m screwing up." Try instead to state the basis
of the judgment, the value from which the judgment springs. For
example, rather than answering "It means I’m a jerk," a more specific
answer would be "It means I’m not protecting someone in pain." The
second thing you shouldn’t do is answer with a feeling. For example,
answering "It means I’m going to feel afraid" will lead you nowhere. The
object is to get at your beliefs, not your feelings.
Right now, get out a piece of paper and write down the shoulds that
pertain to each item on the
inventory.
Naturally, some items will yield no shoulds, because you simply don’t
have areas of guilt, conflict, obligation, or avoidance. Other items
will be extremely fruitful. Write as many shoulds as you can.
