Swinging the pendulum from the shoulda, oughta, haveta side of life
to the wanta, loveta, and choice side takes time - sometimes a lot of
time. The first step is to free the pendulum so that it can swing freely
to the far side and then settle somewhere in the middle (we'll call that
place choice or responsibility).
The exercises which follow this section will get you started on this
path of choice. This process can be painful and glorious. Basically, you
are re-looking at all the stuff you've been told is true to see if it
really is true for you. Much of it won't be, and in the
letting-go process, you may feel the full range of emotions - happy,
sad, disturbed, angry, thrilled. Be with these feelings and emotional
reactions. (Don't fall into the trap of thinking you shouldn't be
feeling this way.) Fact is, you will, so surrender to this process. What
you are doing is laying the groundwork for a solid foundation on which
you can build a sustainable fulfilling life.
IMPLEMENTATION TIP
Try to be appropriate, gentle and compassionate with yourself as you
swing this pendulum. But give yourself the room and permission to be
bad and deliciously selfish when necessary. Don't be "good"
during this shift - be straight in your speaking and do not give up,
regardless of the temporary consequences.
EXERCISES
1. On a lined piece of paper, make a list of 25 things about life,
yourself, people or circumstances that you are currently tolerating.
(These may be big or small; important or trivial. Just choose the ones
that bug you, good reasons or not. You needn't do anything yet about
these; just make the list and put it somewhere you will see it fairly
regularly.)
2. Ask yourself "Who am I living for, really?" Is it others,
parents' expectations, in order to get something? Stay with this inquiry
until you are at peace with your answer. These is no right answer, just
the one that empowers you.
3. Make a list of the things in life that you feel you should do or
be. (Examples: I should be a good parent, I should love my mean sister,
I should show up for work, I should be a good person, I should do more,
I should lose weight.)
