Shoulds

 compliments of FutureVisions^SM

creating sustainable results in growth and performance

Some of your shoulds will turn out to be legitimate values, rules to live by that you need to follow to the best of your ability. When shoulds make sense, they don’t usually interfere with your self-esteem.

The only time sensible shoulds interfere with your self-esteem is when you violate them. Then your critic jumps all over you for having done wrong. If, after examination, the rule you violated feels healthy to you, the only way to stop your critic is to initiate the process of atonement. Very simply, you have to make up for what you’ve done. Without atonement, you’ll be saddled with a critic whose function is to make sure you pay and pay and pay.

Here are four guidelines to help you choose an appropriate atonement.

1. It’s important to acknowledge the wrongness of what you did to the person you hurt. This makes it clear that you are accepting responsibility for your behavior.
    
2. You should atone directly to the person you wronged. Donating money to a charity becoming a big brother, or joining the Peace Corps will atone less effectively than directly helping the one you hurt.
    
3. The atonement should be real, rather than symbolic. Lighting candles or writing a poem will not rid you of the critic. What you do to atone has to cost you something in time, money, effort, or even anxiety. And it has to be tangible enough so that it has an impact on your relationship with the person who is hurt.
    
4. Your atonement should be commensurate with the wrong done. If your offense was a moment of irritability, then a brief apology should do the trick. But if you’ve been cold and remote for the past six months, then you’ll have to do a little better than "I’m sorry."