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Exercise: Noticing What Happens When You Believe Your Thoughts

Deliberately listen to your own thoughts as you talk with others. What happens when you believe these thoughts? Notice when you try to manipulate with explanation, qualification, or justification, or when you tell anecdotes in the hope that people will think about you a certain way. Notice how you try to manipulate with your face, voice, eyes, your body language, your laugh. Go to a time and place in your life—it could even be today - where you were seeking love and approval from someone. What did you do or say that was painful to you when you were seeking love and approval?

Now, in writing, answer the following questions:

1. What did you want from that person? List your agenda.
2. How did you attempt to manipulate the way that person saw you? Make a list of the ways.
3. How did you want that person to see you specifically? Make a list.
4. Did you lie or exaggerate? Give examples. What did you say? Be specific. Make a list.
5. Were you really listening to that person or were you more interested in having him or her see how interesting, attrac­tive, or bright you are?
6. What didn't you like about seeking love and approval? Make a list.
7. What did you like when you resisted seeking love and approval?

It can be embarrassing, even overwhelming, to look at your own approval seeking. When people do this exercise in my nine-day school, they have one another's support, so it can be easier.

Once you have done this exercise, think about what would happen if you moved and responded with less concern about what others will think? What if you let your actions speak for themselves? What would it be like to live your truth without excusing, defending, explaining, or justifying your thoughts or actions to others?

More Exercises: The following exercises are not about flouting good manners or changing your behavior. They are about helping you see what you may be hiding from yourself when you're intent on acting in a socially acceptable way: anxious thoughts that you don't really believe.

Imagine leaving the table without a polite excuse, and notice what the excuse is designed to prevent. If you were to just get up and leave without any words, what do you think they would think of you?

Imagine a situation in which you slightly inconvenience someone, perhaps by being late or wanting to borrow some-thing. What if you were to simply apologize without explanation? Imagine yourself standing in front of that person without your explanation. Notice what impression your explanation would have been designed to prevent. What do you think would happen if someone were to form the very impression of you that you're afraid of? Do you really believe that thought?

Separation: If you are prepared to do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result. Manipulation is separation, and separation is painful. Another person can love you totally in that moment, and you have no way of realizing it. If you act from fear, there's no way you can receive love, because you're trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love. Every stressful thought separates you from people.

But once you question your thoughts, you discover that you don't have to do anything for love. It was an innocent misunderstanding. When you want to impress someone to win their approval, you're like a child who says, "Look at me! Look at me!" It all comes down to a needy child. When you can love that child and embrace it yourself, the seeking is over.

FURTHER TOOLS FOR INQUIRY: The list below includes the four questions together with several follow-up questions that you may find useful when investigating a resistant thought.

 1. Is it true?

 If your answer is no, continue to question 3. Possible follow-ups:

What is the reality of it? Did it happen? (This is often the first question to ask when the thought you're investigating involves a should—"My husband should listen to me," "This shouldn't be happening." Inquiry is concerned only with reality. "He should"—when he doesn't—is a thought that argues with reality. This is not helpful when you're inquiring into what's true. What husbands should do is what they do. So the answer to "He should care - is it true?" will always be no, until you think he does care. "This shouldn't be happening" couldn't possibly be true unless it isn't happening.)

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?

Possible follow-ups:

	Can you know more than God/reality?
	Whose business are you in?
	Can you really know what is best in the long run for his/ her/your path?
	Can you absolutely know that you would be happier, or that your life would be better, if you got what you wanted?

3. How do you react when you believe that thought?

Possible follow-ups:

Where does the feeling hit you, where do you feel it in your body when you believe that thought? Describe it. What do your feelings reveal to you when you think that thought? Allow your feelings to live, and notice how much of your body they take over. Where do those feelings take you?

	What pictures, if any, come to you when you believe that thought?
	How do you treat others when you believe that thought? What specifically do you say to them? What specifically do you do? Whom does your mind attack and how? In describing your reaction, provide as much detail as you can.
	How do you treat yourself when you believe that thought? Is this where addictions kick in and you reach for food, alco­hol, credit cards, the TV remote? Do you have thoughts of self-hatred? What are they?
	How have you lived your life when you believed that thought? Be specific. Go into your past.
	Where does your mind travel when you believe that thought?
	Whose business are you in when you believe that thought?
	Does that thought bring peace or stress into your life?
	What do you get for holding that belief?
	Can you see a reason to drop that thought (and please don't try to drop it)?
	Can you see a stress-free reason to keep that thought? If yes, make a list. Are these reasons really stress-free? How does the stress affect your life and work?

4. Who would you be without the thought?

Possible follow-ups:

	Who would you be if you didn't believe that thought?
	Close your eyes and imagine yourself with that person (or in that situation) without that thought. Describe how it feels. What do you see?
	Imagine that you are meeting this person for the very first time with no beliefs about him or her. What do you see?
	Who are you right now, sitting here without that thought?
	How would you live your life without that thought? If you
	were incapable of thinking that thought, how would your life be different?
	How would you treat others differently without that thought?

Turn the thought around: Statements can be turned around to yourself, to the other, and to the opposite. Find three examples in your life of where the turn­arounds are as true or truer. Be specific, and as detailed as you can.

Possible follow-ups:

	Is this turnaround as true as or truer than your original statement?
	Where do you experience this turnaround in your life now?
	If you lived this turnaround, what would you do, or how would you live differently?
	Do you see any other turnarounds that seem as true or truer?

THE JUDGE-YOUR-NEIGHBOR WORKSHEET:

• Judge your neighbor

• Write it down

• Ask four questions

• Turn it around

Fill in the blanks below, writing about someone you haven't yet forgiven one hundred percent. (Do not write about yourself yet.) Use short, simple sentences. Don't censor yourself—allow yourself to be critical and petty. Try to fully experience the anger or pain as if the situation were occurring right now. Take this opportunity to express your judgments on paper.

Who angers, frustrates, or confuses you, and why? Whom do you resent? What is it about that person that you don't like?

(For example: I am angry at Paul because he doesn't listen to me, he doesn't appreciate me, he argues with everything I say.)

I am                       at                                    because
       (Emotion)                       (Name)

 

 

 

How do you want that person to change? What do you want that person to do?

I want                              to
              (Name)

 

 

 

3. What is it that the person should or shouldn't do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?

                    should/shouldn't
   (Name)

 

 

 

4. What does that person need to do in order for you to be happy?

I need                               to
             (Name)

 

 

5. What do you think of that person? Make a list.
                             is
            (Name)

 

 

 

6. What is it that you don't want to experience with that person again?

I don't ever want to

 

 

TURNAROUND FOR NO.6: The turnaround for statement number 6 is a little different from the other turnarounds. "I don't ever want to experience an argument with Paul again" turns around to "I am willing to experience an argument with Paul again and I look forward to experiencing an argument with Paul again."

The turnaround for number 6 is about welcoming all your thoughts and experiences with open arms. If you feel any resistance to a thought, your Work is not done. When you can honestly look forward to experiences that have been uncomfortable, there is no longer anything to fear in life—you see everything as a gift that can bring love, laughter, and peace to your life.

Practicing staying in Your Own Business Exercise: When you feel angry or upset, and hear yourself saying or thinking: "He [she] should                          he shouldn't                              , he needs to                              ," and so on, stop and ask: Is that true? Can I know that
about him? Am I out of my business? Then turn it around to: I should                                     , I shouldn't                          , I need to                                 , and so on. Give
yourself the prescription you were going to give someone else and see what happens.

Exercise: When you have the urge to give unrequested advice (whether aloud or in your mind) or you find yourself thinking that you know what's right for someone, ask yourself, Whose business am I in? Did anyone ask for my opinion? Can I know what's right for someone else? Then listen to your own advice, and know that you're the one it's meant for. Stay in your own business and be happy.

 With thanks to “I Need Your Love – Is That True?” by Byron Katie